||[Jan. 8th, 2004|03:42 pm]
I've been thinking lately...about a lot of things. Some things in my life I really regret and would rather forget, but other things I'd rather were not just memories. Are memories all that time leaves us, or is there something more? Something deeper, something harder to understand? By the end of my life, will I be surrounded by memories, both around me and in my head, and not much else?
I've been thinking a lot about my childhood. Reading my journal has brought back so much. I am starting to feel like a child again, yet more like a teenager, and more like who I actually am, all at the same time. I've realized that I can hold onto my childhood and still grow up, that it's okay--there's nothing wrong with that.
For once in my life, the prospect of the years ahead do not frighten me, because I know that, whatever happens, I will survive.
The years will be filled with good as well as bad times, but I will get through the tough times just fine. I've gotten through so much already.
My anorexia, my obsessive-compulsive behavior, my social anxiety disorder, my occasional depression, they all make everything so much harder. But I've dealt with them all my life, so where can things get but better from here? As I find new ways of dealing with them, they are bound to get easier to handle. Or, at least I hope so...
Oh yeah, and I realized today that I have a real job. Helping with Mama's courtrunning business is demanding yet rewarding, and I'm actually good at it. It's not what I want forever, I want to help the environment, but for now it's great.
And I volunteer (I'm getting better at what I do), and go to college. Come to think of it, I've accomplished quite a bit in the past year, and I'm glad to say I'm proud of what I've done.