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Elusive control - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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Elusive control [Jan. 22nd, 2004|06:47 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |lonelylost]

I feel like I'm completely out of control of my life. I'm desparate for something in my life that I can get a grip on...I just feel so helpless, and like I'm fighting against waves or something, but no matter what I do they're still pushing me in the same direction. In a direction I don't want to go. And I can't get away from them.
I want to be with my friends. It's the only thing in my life I'm looking forward to. When I'm with them, I feel happy. And utterly in control of my life.
I need someone to talk to right now, yet I'm scared to sign onto IM. Don't ask me why, I just am. I guess I'm afraid of saying too much and making people mad at me or just depressed.
When I'm with my family, I feel unloved and misunderstood. I know I'm living in an illusion in this respect, or maybe it's just all part of being a teenager. I don't know. All I know is that my life isn't making sense.

I've been finding myself in the dreamworld that comes from books more and more often now. I like it there, because there I feel happy and understood.
My family loves me, even if they don't like me all the time, and I still need to realize that. I am the enemy, not them. But the fact remains that I am so angry and lost right now. I don't know what to do. Instead of getting better, it's all getting worse. And it's all because of me.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-23 04:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much--I do feel a little better today :)
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