||[Jan. 22nd, 2004|06:47 pm]
I feel like I'm completely out of control of my life. I'm desparate for something in my life that I can get a grip on...I just feel so helpless, and like I'm fighting against waves or something, but no matter what I do they're still pushing me in the same direction. In a direction I don't want to go. And I can't get away from them.
I want to be with my friends. It's the only thing in my life I'm looking forward to. When I'm with them, I feel happy. And utterly in control of my life.
I need someone to talk to right now, yet I'm scared to sign onto IM. Don't ask me why, I just am. I guess I'm afraid of saying too much and making people mad at me or just depressed.
When I'm with my family, I feel unloved and misunderstood. I know I'm living in an illusion in this respect, or maybe it's just all part of being a teenager. I don't know. All I know is that my life isn't making sense.
I've been finding myself in the dreamworld that comes from books more and more often now. I like it there, because there I feel happy and understood.
My family loves me, even if they don't like me all the time, and I still need to realize that. I am the enemy, not them. But the fact remains that I am so angry and lost right now. I don't know what to do. Instead of getting better, it's all getting worse. And it's all because of me.