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Amanda

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HELP [Mar. 14th, 2006|09:47 pm]
Amanda
can't sleep, just tried and had a panic attack. Just when i'm thinkg things are ok, something changes all that. more stress. things keep piling up. sure i had too much stress with school/work/transfer/moving/LDR/future/finances etc already, but i was handling it all fine. i was HAPPY

now more stuff gets dumped on me and i feel like i'm drowning in uncertainty. first the school stuff, now turns out i can't stay all summer in nj. can only stay for 5 1/2 weeks like was originally planned before we decided i was moving. but, i'm still miving and now al the plans are crap. ari just today asked his parents, and of course it was not ok...even though i'd assumed he'd asked them weeks ago and that it had been ok with them since he hadn't said anything about it...so yeah. i'm trying not to be angry with him becaus it's the way he is with planning and i should have asked him if he'd ok'ed it with them rather than assume he had, but still i'm horribly angry and feel like i'm going to explode if i don't csll him and tll him so but he's long asleep and i am not even though if i feel aslepp right now i'd get 6 1/2 hours bewfore work...and of coure i'm not mad at his parents because they're doing more already than anyone should have to for me so i shouldbn't nbe...and i feel so lonely and everyone i talk to i just feel empty with and bothersome, and yet if i don't talk to people i'm gonna explode, yet they're not helping...
school starts september. so i have to spend 2 months of the summer in california...more travel expense, less money made, less time i get to make my new life, more things to be scared about not working out right.... my family said i can stay with them but they shouldn't have to let me. i shouldn't have to mooch off them but where else would i go/ my father/linda would but they'd beso unhappy i was here that my life would be made hell for the two moths.
so, have to buy/plan out/worry over another plane ticket for coming back to nj though i never thought i would even have to leave it in the first place, and i don't know how this is all going to work out, and for months i thought it was solved and set in stone and the horrible travel/planning worries were done with anfd now it shatters around me, and why on earth can't i handle this? am i that weak? plans change!! and then there's all the usual stuff building up, and keep thinking what if i don't wim any scholarships? what if i can't get a loan? and my hours are still cut at the bookstore...only 10 hours a week now, and the schedules for the rest of march are the same...so, how will i get enough money? how will this work out? i've worked so hard, and this is what i get? and it's not matt's fault even, he's stressed out he has to cut hours too...and then there's the school, and so much homework, abd being horribly lonely here but still dreading them coming back from vacation and having to deal with their abuse again..
i thought life was ok!! why is it not????? why did this have to happen to me when i'm more emotionally unstable than i've been in so long? why am i complaining about it? why can't i sleep ? need to wake up at 5 omorrow. need to be well-rested. need to make money. need to make a future thatr is so much harder than i thought it would be.
I'M SCARED TO GO TO SLEEP!!
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: unluvedpenguin3
2006-03-14 10:31 pm (UTC)
hmmmm
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-15 05:43 am (UTC)
what?
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[User Picture]From: unluvedpenguin3
2006-03-15 10:43 am (UTC)
wut
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[User Picture]From: rewhite
2006-03-15 04:23 am (UTC)
I'm sorry about not mentioning it until yesterday, but there had never been a good time until then. I probably shouldn't have told you until the next day, though, so you could get good sleep. I'm fine with you having called me last night, but I woke my mum up and she heard the latter half of the conversation. I know I'm in for quite a bit of explaining. I think that you should stay with your mother for those two months and get a job there, in the meantime. Do college bookstores stay open in the summer? Because if that's the case, then you may be able to actually stay here and pay a little bit into the family pot, because then we might be able to afford your stay. Since Kean will almost certainly love you, after all, you're the perfect student, you can probably give them a call once you're accepted, and you definitely will be accepted, and ask them if you can start this summer and get housing. Colleges will cater to the needs of students as exceptional as you. If you do stay with your mother, you'll have to get a job there, both for income and for your sanity. You should have no trouble finding a job if you've done so well with retail already. Don't worry, life's fine. Everything will work out.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-15 05:42 am (UTC)
Damn I'm very sorry for that. looks like i disrupted everyone last night
Yeah they're always open...I could I'm hoping. not the time they usually hire, but i probably could...I'm more than willing to pay rent also, lots of it. But I don't want to be in the way of remodeling or anything...na d I don't know if kean would let me.
I could get a job by my family's, but that would also mean my mother would have to drive me every day, which would add even more to her stress...and hence mine...though i feel like i'm gonna snap already.
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[User Picture]From: rewhite
2006-03-15 06:26 am (UTC)
Don't worry, everything will work out. My father was far more optimistic than my mother. He supports you staying out here, but thinks it will be a major logistical challenge. Don't worry!
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-16 09:51 am (UTC)
Ok, I'll try not to. This helps a lot to know. But for some reason, the "Don't worry!" part at the end was insanely comforting.
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[User Picture]From: rewhite
2006-03-15 07:41 am (UTC)
And I've forgotten my cell today. I'll speak with you when I'm home.
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[User Picture]From: glacier_kitty
2006-03-15 08:41 am (UTC)
Oh wow...I'm so sorry...I hope everything works out *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-16 09:49 am (UTC)
It did, very thankfully :) *hug!*
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From: ex_la_foret689
2006-03-16 07:44 am (UTC)
There is nothing more terrifying than life.

I know what it feels like to have every negative thought screaming through your head at the speed of light, circling and repeating themselves until you feel you'll drown under the weight of them

and how can you possibly go on without exploding, without dying in some way.

I am intimately acquinted with such panic attacks.

I love you hon. You've handled more than anyone else possibly could have, and now you're letting some of the stress out through a mini breakdown. Trust me hon, it's better out than in. It sucks, but tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even next week, things will start to be bright and shiny again. Until then, hang in there. Really, things turn out alright in the end. I truly believe that. If I can make it through a night like that (and I've had many) then you can most certainly make it through - because I know you're as strong as I am.

Having a breakdown does not make you weak. It's healthy. If you held it all on the inside it would start to eat you alive. Considering your situation, you are coping the best that anyone possibly could.

*lots of love and hugs*
la_foret
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-16 09:30 am (UTC)
Ohhh gosh...I am so sorry you have to know the feeling of those. *hugs* All the same though, it's comforting to know you've gone through them and survived them too. I've survived all mine...the same with Tuesday night's (is it just me, or do all the horrible things happen on Tuesdays, lol?). And yes, now I do indeed think the world is shiny again!! :)
That's also a good way to look at it, "better out than in". I really do feel better now, after that horrible night.
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From: treepatter
2006-03-16 10:20 pm (UTC)
For what it would cost you in airfare, you might be able to rent a room somewhere in NJ for the time when you are not able to stay at Ari's. Then, yo ucould get a job while you do that, in order to pay for food and stuff. It'll be rough, but you won't be the first person who's done it.

Sorry for the lateness of this comment- i haven't been on the comp in a few days.
*hug*
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-03-17 06:59 am (UTC)
Thank you hun...that's something I hadn't thought of before! Though it looks like I may be able to pay his family rent (sonething which I was feeling guilty for not having to do beforehand) until the dorms open up. If not though, at least I've finally thought through the variety of options I have.
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