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Amanda

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Please left comfort/suggestions/empathy. Unfortunately, I'm in need of them right now. [Apr. 28th, 2006|06:17 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |stresseduneasy]

My father no longer disturbs me, but Linda is terrifying me more than ever. I have no idea how she can do that to me. No matter how hard I try to tell myself, "who cares? she's screwed up", I overhear her speaking venomously of me to my father after a perfectly unremarkable day and I can't get my heart to stop pounding in anger and fear. I laid awake for two hours last night, trying to get my heart to stop pounding and my chest from feeling as if it were close to exploding. If she does this to me, she has power over me. I don't WANT to let her bother me. I don't want to lose sleep because of her, and I don't want her to have this power to make me feel like the frightened, spoiled child she sees me as. I don't want her to screw up these last moments I have with Sierra College, and my bookstore, and my friends...yet, she is. And that means she's "winning". I have my mind now, but my body refuses to let go of the old impulses.

I know for a fact she's a very unfulfilled, unconfident woman who relies daily on convincing herself that everyone's screwed up but she. It makes her feel superior and happy and in control. And the misfortunes that alight on other people...I won't even get into the feverish gleam in her eye that appears when she hears bad news about someone else.

I know I am the perfect scapegoat for her, and that she's jealous of my success and confidence and happiness and wants to lash out at it because it intimidates her. So, why does she still scare me? My mind's not scared, but every time a confrontation happens my body launches right into fight-or-flight mode. And not just ANY--I've launched into panic attacks on several occasions, or have temporarily lost the ability to speak.
I just can't stop it. I think it has to do with the fact that she can go from perfectly happy to snarling with rage in less than 2 seconds (out of the blue, often enough, with nothing more to cause it than the racket of my pencil, scratching away at chemistry, or the way I wash my dishes, or that my outfit is painful to her). Hence, I never know when it's gonna start, or when it's gonna stop.

I don't want to get into last night, and I'm sure no one wants to hear more about this unfortunate woman. I'm just completely at a loss as to how to stop her from scaring me like this--there's nothing to be afraid of, and nothing I've done has ever been worthy of the magnificent fits she throws daily. I spent all that time last night telling myself over and over that nothing was scary, that it was fine, it's not my problem...and all it seemed to do was make me more scared.

I'll be gone in 18 days, but at the same time I'm also angry that almost being out of this house is beginning to give me a sense of bitter satisfaction. I want the satisfaction to be in the good things that are to come, not something this petty and forced. I also hate how I keep fantasizing about all the horrible things I could do to get back at her. She's not worthy of my rage or my mental energy, so why can't I get her snarling hissy fits out of my head and just move on with what time I have left in California?
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: glacier_kitty
2006-04-28 07:00 pm (UTC)
Ugh. She seemed nice when I met her but something in her eyes told me she was the way you described her...has she ever said anything bad about me? Don't get back at her (at least not in violence)...it only makes things worse. I'm sorry you have to go through this...

Just keep swimming, swimming...(sorry I'm watching Finding Nemo...)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-04-28 08:24 pm (UTC)
Awwww, that quote made me laugh out loud! Thank you, I needed to hear that :) Dory's inspirational.

And yeah, that's another thing that upsets me. She's perfectly nice and bubbly and funny whenever someone else is around, or whenever anyone calls. She's even been saying good things about me to her numerous relatives. But that's because it's all part of her illusion of normalcy, which makes it even creepier. But naw, the only thing she ever said bad about you was when I was talking about what cool friends you and Josh and Mary were, and she was all, "but can't you have any NORMAL, capable friends for once?". Yeah. That boiled my kettle, to say the least...as in, I wanted to smack her with one...but yeah, you're right. Violence is not good and if I resorted to it, she'd get more satisfaction.
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[User Picture]From: palmer_kun
2006-04-28 08:03 pm (UTC)
You know what amuses me?

Once you're gone, Linda will lose her scapegoat. What's going to happen to her as a result?

Once she has nobody to bully, she'll probably turn into a pathetic whimperling.

Meanwhile, you'll be in a better place, with a better life, better love, and will be a stronger, more confident woman all round because of her.

Serves her right.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-04-28 08:29 pm (UTC)
Oh my gosh!
That works, that's true! Oooo...thank you m'dear!
I was thinking somewhat along those same lines last night, but sleep and Biology apparently drove that nice thought from me.
And yeah...I think that in a way, she has been good for me. She's made me wiser, and more in tune to what I must never become. And also, she's made me realize that I LIKE myself so much more than she ever could, and I think I needed to engage in the act of standing up for myself through knowing that I'm finally a good person and I'm not going to let that go, EVER.
(...if any of that made sense, lol)
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[User Picture]From: mrfantastico
2006-04-29 12:32 am (UTC)
Next time that happens just stop...Dont even tell yourself anything in your head...try to clear your mind and just take deep breaths...hopefully you'll calm down...

...and then RIGHT BEFORE you leave that place...EXPLODE ON HER...let her know exactly what you think of her and how she acts...you'll get the last word in and then be off to happy times with "The Ari"

...FOREVERMORE
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-04-29 01:09 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I have no idea why that didn't work last time, but it really didn't. My chest refused to stop beating, yet my mind was perfectly fine. It kinda worried me...
Haha, good idea. I'll get back at her in some fashion. Though, I expect it will be more subtle and clever than anything else. Even if she doesn't notice, it will make me feel better anyhow. I don't want to stoop down to her level by exploding back.
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From: phoenixsphyre
2006-04-30 12:54 am (UTC)
To agree with palmer_kun. Once you leave, she loses all power over you. You want to get back at her with HUMONGOUS SATISFACTION? Walk out of that house, into Ari's arm, happy, anew, and free. THAT will get her goat good. Once you leave, my dear, she no longer has the power over yout o make you feel like crap.

And so she bitches about you, and curses up a storm about you while you're gone. So what? YOU won't BE there. :-D

In my opinion, sometimes bitter satisfaction can be good. Besides, you ARE satisfied to be with Ari and all the good things to come. No one will fault you if you secretly giggle evilly to yourself about leaving her ass behind. lol
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-04-30 07:17 am (UTC)
Hahaha. I like this comment! :)
And strangely enough, I concluded the same thing at the end of my response to your previous comment. It does seem like the best thing to do, and the most satisfying! *giggles evilly* lol.
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