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Ok, my mind's back. Now I can write! - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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Ok, my mind's back. Now I can write! [May. 24th, 2006|11:37 am]
Amanda
[Current Mood |impressedimpressed]
[Listening to |nick cave]

Ok, I'm finally getting adjusted to being here. It's finally feeling real; it's finally feeling like my life.
This past week though...I'm finding more and more that my environment influences what I think, how I feel, and what I see. I've kinda felt in a fog here, until maybe yesterday. I have myself and I am the same person, but I still am in a different house and a different bed and with different people, and I see things I'm not used to when I look out the window. And that...it was kinda preventing me from feeling like myself or thinking my usual thoughts.
Does that make sense?

But today, I'm back. I feel adjusted, and I feel like my old self. I got a LOT of sleep last night too...slept in til 10am today. Is this me? Well, I needed it. I'm still getting adjusted to the late nights out that Ari's family usually has. I enjoy them and love them (so much good food and bizarre conversations and lovely people and a sense of welcome!), but it's such a different routine than what I'm used to. I think the fact that my sleep's finally adjusting is bringing me back down to earth. I can't get over how comfortable I feel around them, either...I don't know his parents very well, but it feels like I do because they value me enough to let me know them.

Also...whenever Ari hugs me, we fit just right. Whenever we hold hands, we're just the right height and our hands fit so well. He comforts me so much, and yet makes those little stomach butterflies and nice chills in me at the same time...how is that possible? I'm also beginning to see some of his faults. This comforts me too, because so far they're easy to accept or deal with and the farther from perfection this is the more real it is...and all the neat little things I'm learning about him that I'd never known before, they're fascinating whether they're good or bad. I feel so nice and whole and loved and expressive and real, being here with him...yet I still feel like me, and I still feel capable when he's not around. I don't know how this is possible, but I love it and I hope to goodness it never changes.

My father wrote me an e-mail saying he misses me, and he wants an update and heard there were prom pictures and wants to know if he can see them. I don't know what to think of him anymore, but that e-mail just puzzled me and I don't know how to respond to it. Obviously their Plan A no longer works because I now am gone, so they're trying out Plan B.

I had a lot of dreams last night...mostly about Ari and money and my last paycheck in the mail and trying to find work. Barnes & Noble will be hiring in mid-June, but not now. Three weeks...so do I wait for that job (which I may not get), or do I lower my pickiness and start applying everywhere so I can get money sooner? I know I can get a job somewhere, now that I have the experience...but where will it be, and what will it be like, and how long will it be til I get it, and etcetcetc...

Yeah. I need to establish myself even more before I go nuts with the guilt of having no classes and no job all summer. But, this is a great place to be and things are all I'd hoped them to be and at least there's tons to look forward to. I couldn't be more grateful.
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Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2006-05-25 07:09 pm (UTC)
It's a huge step leaving everything you know behind and moving to another part of the country by yourself (been there, done that). The nice thing is you have trustworthy people around you, and you're in the position to Amandacize NJ so it also becomes yours outside of a relationship. Enjoy finding the fit and don't fret; things have a way of working themselves out in ways you couldn't even plan for, hope for or imagine.

-TLB
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-05-30 01:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you hun...I need to start telling myself that a LOT more than I have been lately.
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