?

Log in

No account? Create an account
All sorts of "interesting" developments... - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

All sorts of "interesting" developments... [Jun. 9th, 2006|09:27 am]
Amanda
Last night was the first time in ages that sleep felt good! The bed was so very comfy, and it was a joy to feel my eyes closing. Sure made for bizarre dreams though...

Ari will be graduating in less than a week. None of us can wait, least of all him.
I hope I don't cry (or do I hope I DO cry?)...my sister's graduation really made me. It's just all the emotional things that happen (though not what's said, because the speeches are always damn cheesy). It's a huge milestone, and that whole "moving on to bigger and better things and the rest of one's life" thing...plus, the Ari will now be unleashed upon the world in full force, mwahahaaaaa.

Amanda needs a job...I've been doing odd useful tasks around the house because it's half a construction zone still, and that's been helping. Once Ari's out of school he's gonna show me around the transit systems...we'll explore and I'll pick up more applications too. I'm really looking forward to it.

I have so many comments in my inbox to reply to, but I can't seem to make myself. I think it's the whole thing with talking to people. I've been really weird about that lately and it's starting to scare me.
I really ache to call Mama, but every time I go "ok, it's time to call her", I become semi-catatonic and can't even reach for the phone. Needless to say, I've called no one else either.
This is how I get when I have nothing I need to do...all motivation is lost. I don't like it. It's like this downward spiral of non-responsibility, and the longer I'm in it the deeper I'll go. I still have an awful lot of mental issues, this being a major one.

Hence: If it's a while until I reply to you, I'm deeply sorry.
LinkReply

Comments:
From: (Anonymous)
2006-06-09 09:28 pm (UTC)
As someone who walked this road several years before you, I don't think you're giving yourself enough leeway regarding the stress factor. It's a move across the country! You are away from everything and everyone you used to know! Sometimes I feel as though I woke up from a coma in a brand new place with all new faces. You may love Ari, but he's a relatively new face in your life. Four years later I still feel lost at times. I understand the whole pop tart thing...it was something you were counting on, something you knew, something that you had fixated on in the middle of everything that is new and different. And then they were gone. Obviously it wasn't really the pop tarts it's the pop tarts in the midst of everything else. (I'm typing this fast so not really checking to make sure I'm being as literate as I could be). It's going to take more time but everything will fall into place, and even when it does there will STILL be moments of shell shock. I have times when I feel as though I'm withdrawing from people I was friends with, that's normal, too. You are adjusting and sometimes have to withdraw into yourself. I have a good life but I'll always feel as though a piece of me is missing. In one way it's cool because it lets you be anyone you want to be with new people who don't have a clue of who you've been (then I find out I'm sometimes the same jerk I've always been but in another state hahahaha), but the downside is it also doesn't have a level of comfort. When everyone is sitting around talking about stuff, I can't necessarily join in because I don't know the stuff, I haven't been to the stuff, I haven't met the stuff. There are always reminders I'm an outsider trying to make a place for myself. I don't mean outsider in a negative way, but it's true......I am from outside this area, outside these people. It's an adventure but sometimes it does play havoc on my psyche. Relax and take a deep breath and feel the moment without expectations or you'll add even more stress to what you are already dealing with. Even if they dropped me in a mansion in Tahiti and I had everything I've ever needed or wanted, I'd still feel that missing piece. It doesn't mean it's bad or negative, it's just different and you need to adjust to it with time. As for talking to your mother....here's my take on it. I would brace myself for my new life and try to thing it's fabulous and then call my mother and cry because I missed her so much and have to start all over. Maybe that's what you're going through. Calling your mother is like piercing your skin deeply with a six-inch needle. They can reach where no one else can. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that when you love and miss them.....it's a difficult call to make, especially in the beginning.
-TLB
(Reply) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2006-06-10 06:24 pm (UTC)
I have one thing to say. WE ALL LOVE AMANDA!
(Reply) (Thread)
From: camillesantiago
2006-06-10 06:25 pm (UTC)
It's me, Mary. I think you should know it's me since I left a cheesy comment,. :P
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-06-23 02:31 pm (UTC)
Yep--sadly enough, I did :P
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: camillesantiago
2006-06-23 10:12 pm (UTC)
Lmao.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)