|on the subject of my disappearance
||[Jul. 11th, 2006|10:54 pm]
Hi. This is Ari. Amanda is sitting next to me at this time. What I'm writing down is what she's telling me. She would be writing this, but she's very emotional right now. Too emotional to write, so I'm helping her with her catharsis. |
She's feeling very guilty about having dropped off the face of the Earth. It upsets her that those of you who read her journal have had no contact with her. She's been having much anxiety over getting back to people, both in letting the other people she contacted while job-hunting know that she's no longer interested as well as with contacting her family and friends.
She would also like to apologize to Heather for having been out of contact for so long. While she
Alright…I've had enough of putting Amanda's thoughts into my words. I'm making her dictate the rest.
Heather, I'm trying to think of what to say. I've left you in the dark all this time because of all the contacting. You say "talk to me, talk to me" and I get scared. I haven't thought about what you must be going through, with your being in the dark all the time. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm apologizing in advance for the next while. It will take me a while to get over this. The same goes for the rest of you. I'm not the same kind of friend I used to be, and that scares me.
I haven't called my father in almost a month. I was too busy to call Mama. I really wanted to, but this weekend I was too busy. Now I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I deleted all the LiveJournal comments from my email this morning so that I can get out from under that weight. I'll be going backwards through the archives of my journal over the next while so they won't all be coming at me at once.
I haven't been on instant messenger in months. Typed words don't show what somebody's thinking or feeling and I get anxious because I don't know how to interpret what they're saying. It makes me depressed really quickly.
I've been avoiding MySpace. I haven't logged on in a really long time because I'm afraid people would see that I've logged on and not replied and they will think worse of me for it.
The other emails, emails from my family and friends and all these people who really care about me, I haven't deleted them because I really need to reply to them some time. Every time I think of replying to them, this anxiety comes and I can't.
Knowing this is making me really depressed. I've stopped talking to people because I'm going into a depression, and I'm going into a depression because I've stopped talking to people. I'm all the way on the East Coast, and it feels like I'm so disconnected from my childhood and my family and all this stuff that means so much to me. It's only now that it's sinking in. It's wonderful to be with Ari, but I've undermined so much that I shouldn't have undermined, because I keep thinking it's a fresh start, and yet I've at least got to have something and I haven't allowed myself to have something. That's about it.
I've been putting off going to the psychologist because so much other stuff has been happening. We looked them up, but I never called. Last time I looked them up and nothing more was said about it.
I'll call the counselor when I get up the courage and I'll try to make it soon.