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Amanda

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on the subject of my disappearance [Jul. 11th, 2006|10:54 pm]
Amanda
Hi. This is Ari. Amanda is sitting next to me at this time. What I'm writing down is what she's telling me. She would be writing this, but she's very emotional right now. Too emotional to write, so I'm helping her with her catharsis.

She's feeling very guilty about having dropped off the face of the Earth. It upsets her that those of you who read her journal have had no contact with her. She's been having much anxiety over getting back to people, both in letting the other people she contacted while job-hunting know that she's no longer interested as well as with contacting her family and friends.

She would also like to apologize to Heather for having been out of contact for so long. While she

Alright…I've had enough of putting Amanda's thoughts into my words. I'm making her dictate the rest.

Heather, I'm trying to think of what to say. I've left you in the dark all this time because of all the contacting. You say "talk to me, talk to me" and I get scared. I haven't thought about what you must be going through, with your being in the dark all the time. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I'm apologizing in advance for the next while. It will take me a while to get over this. The same goes for the rest of you. I'm not the same kind of friend I used to be, and that scares me.

I haven't called my father in almost a month. I was too busy to call Mama. I really wanted to, but this weekend I was too busy. Now I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I deleted all the LiveJournal comments from my email this morning so that I can get out from under that weight. I'll be going backwards through the archives of my journal over the next while so they won't all be coming at me at once.

I haven't been on instant messenger in months. Typed words don't show what somebody's thinking or feeling and I get anxious because I don't know how to interpret what they're saying. It makes me depressed really quickly.

I've been avoiding MySpace. I haven't logged on in a really long time because I'm afraid people would see that I've logged on and not replied and they will think worse of me for it.

The other emails, emails from my family and friends and all these people who really care about me, I haven't deleted them because I really need to reply to them some time. Every time I think of replying to them, this anxiety comes and I can't.

Knowing this is making me really depressed. I've stopped talking to people because I'm going into a depression, and I'm going into a depression because I've stopped talking to people. I'm all the way on the East Coast, and it feels like I'm so disconnected from my childhood and my family and all this stuff that means so much to me. It's only now that it's sinking in. It's wonderful to be with Ari, but I've undermined so much that I shouldn't have undermined, because I keep thinking it's a fresh start, and yet I've at least got to have something and I haven't allowed myself to have something. That's about it.

I've been putting off going to the psychologist because so much other stuff has been happening. We looked them up, but I never called. Last time I looked them up and nothing more was said about it.

I'll call the counselor when I get up the courage and I'll try to make it soon.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: glacier_kitty
2006-07-12 03:33 am (UTC)
Huh? You've left me in the dark all this time? I'm not sure what you're trying to say but I'm not going through anything. I mean I've wanted to talk to you but I thought you would when you weren't busy or were ready or something. Reading your LJ is good enough for me...I'm not the person I was in the past if that's what's worrying you..

*hugs* I hope you get through this :)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-07-12 03:36 am (UTC)
Thanks, I'm glad I don't have to worry about this and it helps a lot to know you're ok.
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[User Picture]From: king_gravewater
2006-07-12 06:34 am (UTC)
For what it is worth, I have deeply missed you and am just glad to know you are okay-ish. I just hope you can do what is most important to you, rather than what everyone else wants you to do.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-07-16 01:02 pm (UTC)
Thanks hun, I've missed you too. And yeah, I certainly have been doing that. It seems this phase of my life has required me to disconnect myself from so many ties and...get used to being here, I suppose. Thankfully I seem to be coming out of it now.
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[User Picture]From: king_gravewater
2006-07-17 09:00 am (UTC)
Ties are a bit like jobs. If they are holding you in the same place without any means of improvement, then they are definitely best left behind. I am in the midst of making a video or three, so I have been praying for amnesia or the like. *laughs* I would tell you to look more at my journal to see what I am talking about, but I have been pretty slack at reading other peoples' journals lately myself. :-S
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From: turkeysock
2006-07-12 05:14 pm (UTC)
aw do what is best for you. Im sure everyone online understands why you have been gone and away. I hope things start working out for you.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-07-16 12:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you hun, it helps a lot to know you understand. I'm trying to transition myself online a lot more often now, so hopefully in a bit of time I'll be updating and replying a whole lot more, and once again enjoying it.
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