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My road will be paved towards something wonderful. - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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My road will be paved towards something wonderful. [Mar. 12th, 2007|05:11 pm]
Amanda
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[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

My sense of life rings with a dim finality. It's spring break, I could be anywhere in the world...but here I am in this dorm, sworn to make my share of a living this week. I am grateful for the time with my thoughts, nothing to disturb or engage me from this little mental odyessey that it seems I must make. Indeed, there is another turning point surfacing and this one's purely mental.

For I ask myself...when did this happen? When did I grow up? Unlike so many of the others my age, I know that whatever happens, whenever it happens, I will not be going back home. California does not hold my future. Even as I ache for the green hills and live oaks, for a sight of my family...no, that vision is not mine to live any longer. That place does not hold my future: only I do. Only I can make it for myself, regardless of who it is made with. I just know that I can no longer depend upon my family. They do not offer the emotional niche that I've grown to fit into. The one that's reserved for me is years old and horribly confining. I feel myself slipping into it every time I talk to my mother or father. No, that is not me. It feels nothing like me. It threatens to make years of mental progress null and void. I do not wish to be someone's child again. We all are, yet that should not define us wholly.

I am beautiful now. I have color and warmth in my face. I know what to say. I act as one in touch with herself. Hell, I FEEL in touch with myself. I'm trying to work on my posture. People are drawn to me (much more than I would like) because I am confident, smart, dependable...who on earth knows what else? I know I will be able to survive far longer than most. As far as that goes, I already HAVE if my life were to stop tomorrow.
It just feels like I'm on my way towards something very important as my thoughts run this through, expectant. It's coming soon and I don't know what it is.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: opera_lover_44
2007-03-13 10:36 am (UTC)
You really do inspire me you know? To know where you've been and where you are now...I need all the inspiration I can get, living in this prison of a town. I h.ate it here. And I'm miserable here...I feel like ever since we've moved here this place has made my heart cold and sad. Slowly, very slowly it's been doing this to me. I don't like who I am right now, especially not mentally. I keep wandering if I was in a place where I felt I belong would I still feel this way? I don't know and I probably never will...but knowing that you probably felt like me (and most likely you felt lower than me and I'm just being a baby) and now are confident in yourself and strong...it really gives me hope.
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[User Picture]From: opera_lover_44
2007-03-13 10:36 am (UTC)
PS. I adore your icon
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-03-18 10:42 pm (UTC)
Never say you're being a baby, that's just silly. I've flourished now that I've felt my own place and someday when the time is right, you will as well. A couple more years of your life is nothing in the vast scheme of things, even though it seems it now. Just try to take one day at a time and keep thinking that.

Oh and thanks, I love it very much. You can take the icon too if you'd like. Just credit icon_goddess in your userpic comments.
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