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Amanda

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Wow...did she just say something? [Sep. 11th, 2007|07:02 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |cheerfulcheerful]

Since this semester's begun I've encountered a strange phenomenon...I'm actually social! I don't feel strange about initiating a conversation. In fact, it seems natural and enjoyable to do so. And if someone comes over to talk to me or ask a question, it's not the old thoughts of "why the hell are they bothering me?". It's simply natural...it's what people do. In a way, it's even welcome because they value my opinion and think I look knowledgeable.

I signed onto IM yesterday for the first time in 6-9 months. Wanna know why? I was feeling lonely. Me, lonely for people in general (not just specific people)? What a strange occurrence! For the last two years I've had a strong aversion to (and fear of) the sudden precarious social situation that could begin without warning on my screen (ironically enough, always accompanied by that comical popping sound!). Now, huzzah! It no longer phases me! It's actually kinda nice!

I think it has to do with the bookstore. I know it so well now, inside and out. It feels like my territory. Plus, over the whole summer and with the mad rush for Fall textbooks, nearly everybody's asked me for help. And by now, in my territory, I've probably helped a good half of the university at some time or other. I know them and they know me. They've seen me in the social "work-mode" I've always assumed to fit the occasion, so why should I be any different in class or in other random places?

Also, it really helps to not feel alone. I don't know why my fears have dissolved themselves so unceremoniously, but for whatever reason it actually feels nice to not have to deal with my inner restraints. I'm also more confident and sure of myself. Why, after all, should I keep to myself? I'm someone that most people feel worthy of talking to. In fact, they seem to like talking to me.

So there it is: for the first time in God-knows-when, a real milestone has been recorded in minuetcat in a timely fashion!
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: king_gravewater
2007-09-12 12:15 am (UTC)
I seriously attribute this to the broadening effect.

In essence, when you move to a place where lots of ideas and viewpoints mix together in close proximity, as opposed to the congealed (and cultivated, it must be said) herd conformity that is primary and secondary schools (and all small towns), it helps one to open up and explore new ideas or points of interest. Your brain begins to thrive on it.

And people wonder why twenty-somethings of average or better intelligence leave small towns like those towns have the dead lice falling off them.
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[User Picture]From: opera_lover_44
2007-09-12 06:53 pm (UTC)
I know what you mean, it's kinda like you don't like being around a bunch of people and yet you also hate to be lonely lol which is kinda my life at the moment as you probably know. But I'm happy to be here to talk to as well!
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[User Picture]From: akumadaimyo
2007-09-14 04:14 pm (UTC)
Hey I signed up for that survey site. When people start calling me thinking i'm serious, if I blow them off will I still get my money? I already told one guy I only filled out his health coverage survey for the cash.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-09-14 10:26 pm (UTC)
I hope you read the original entry about the survey sites, lol...I said to make up a fake phone number to enter into those sites so that no one will contact you. Also, the only place you should enter your real address is into Cashcrate's system, so that they can send you your checks. You'll get paid as long as you enter your real name, your actual zip code, and the same e-mail address as what Cashcrate has on file. I use the address of a place in Rahway on all the offer sites, so that I won't get junk mail...and I use the phone number of an old employer (a supermarket) that I absolutely hate and who really deserves telemarketers calling them :P
Don't enter your real phone number into any more places. And yes, you'll still get paid most certainly. Cashcrate pays you to complete offers, and once you fill out those pages the offers ARE completed. Any calls you receive are nothing more than telemarketing...hence the fake phone number thing. You don't need to get contacted in any way in order to get paid by Cashcrate...that's are only the offer sites trying to cash in on you.
Let me know if that helps, or if you have any more questions!
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-09-20 10:49 pm (UTC)
Hi. I know you don't know me, I've just happened to come upon your journal and I see that you've overcome anorexia. I first want to say congratulations! I was wondering if it was something you did on your own or did you have the help or counselors/dietitians/anyone else? I am currently trying to get over it, but am doing it alone and just wondering how it is. Thanks in advance.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-09-24 10:26 pm (UTC)
I'm very sorry to hear that...it's a horrible disease. Though you deserve a lot of congratulations yourself, for being in the process of recovery!
Overcoming it was the hardest thing I ever did, though more in breaking the mentality than in changing the actions. For me, eating normally again was quite easy. Once it really sunk in that I was dying, I turned it around within weeks. But, the mindset stayed with me--it just caused other symptoms. I went through intense therapy in order to delve into what caused the anorexia in the first place, and how to turn those thought processes around. THAT'S gonna be the hard part for you, as well. It always is. You have to accept a lot of things that you really don't want to accept. If you don't have yourself a good therapist yet, get one. It really helps.

I have to be off somewhere now, but I'll try to finish up this comment later. I am very willing to give you any advice you need...just ask! And also, if you have strength you WILL get through this.
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-09-26 02:47 am (UTC)
Well that's my problem, I'm so scared of dying. I'm eating, but I'm a little scared to eat heh, but I won't let it get me down. I do not want to die and I do want to get better! Um, I guess if maybe you have some kind of instant messenger, maybe we can talk sometime? I would certainly appreciate it, and do appreciate your comment back. Thanks so much!
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-09-27 06:48 pm (UTC)
Certainly! I'm minuetcat on Yahoo, and minuetcat13 on AIM. Due to my busy-ness I'm not online as much as I'd like, though I'll try to be soon. I take night classes and work in the mornings so it's just whenever I'm freed up. I'll also add you on LJ, if you'd like.

And good, just keep emphasizing that...your priority is to live and although your mind will try to set you back, just keep building up the true fact in your head: that you don't want to die. Even if you have to chant it, it's ok. As long as it gets in there.
The way this worked for me is that I set up an inner response for every bit of fight my mind gave me, and I made myself think the pertaining thought every time, no matter what. After a while it became automatic, like an impulse, and it got easier and easier after that to do what I wanted to do, rather than what my mind told me. Believe it or not, after long enough these defenses became subconscious. Now I just automatically dismiss the problematic thoughts before I even realize I'm thinking them. It takes diligence and a LOT of hard work, but it will happen for you too.
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-09-28 01:30 am (UTC)
Did you work with a nutritionist or did you pretty much just start eating again on your own? Also, how did you deal with the weight gain? I think I've been gaining like a pound a day and that's a little worrisome to me.. :/
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-09-28 10:35 pm (UTC)
Basically, by that time I had completely forgotten how much food a healthy person actually needs to eat each meal, each day, etc. After my previously tiny portions all I saw was 'a lot', 'more of a lot', etc. So what happened was that my mother and I made a joint promise to each other. She promised that she would measure out my portions for me at every meal, and that she would give me as much as a normal person would eat and not enough to "make me fat" (as you can see, it was a big concern of mine as well). In return, I promised to trust her and to eat everything she put before me, whether she was there or not, and that if for any reason I felt that I couldn't bring myself to eat something, that I would tell her so she could come up with a "less scary" alternative to replace it. It was a good system...it worked. And through her teaching I eventually re-gained my sense of how much my body needs to maintain its current weight, and of what.
If you have anyone you feel like you can trust unconditionally to do this for you, I highly recommend trying this. And if not, augment the plan with a nutritionist or a doctor...have them tell you exactly how much you should be eating, and of what. Not only does this strategy take off your fear of making a mistake and giving yourself too much, but it makes it so that you are not the one saying you need to eat each meal...it's someone saying it who has the authority to do so. Therefore, you are not responsible for it and your mind cannot blame you for eating "too much". That's one less conflict to have to deal with...you have enough inner battles to deal with right now, lol.


I do admit it...the weight gain was hard. I had never been in that position before and had no idea if I would be able to stop gaining once I got back to a healthy weight. Well, I gained back the good half of my original body weight that had been lost to me through the anorexia. I'll tell you the truth...I was scared to death of going overboard and getting fat. Though, it all worked out. I was perfectly in control and I still am. I knew when to stop gaining when I needed to, and by that time I also knew how to stop gaining without going back the other direction. And by that time, I also was starting to think that I looked damn good with my new healthy-looking body. Almost four years after my recovery, I've managed to maintain essentially the same healthy weight I got back up to. I've never become overweight, and it has been entirely in my control this whole time.

Also, a pound or so a day at your point is healthy. Now that your body is being fed, it's trying desperately to store up as much as it can in order to save you for as long as it can if food suddently becomes unavailable again. It's still in famine-survival mode. As you work on gaining more, your body will calm down and you'll start to gain weight much more slowly (and more normally). It won't be this rapid forever...in fact, in time the gain may stop altogether. I know it's very difficult, but take it from me that it's really nothing to worry about...it's just your body's way of trying to save your life. Sooner or later, once your body feels like it's out of the danger zone, your metabolism will speed up to that of a normal person's. And remember...you are ALWAYS in control of how much weight you gain, as hard as it is to believe. And if you keep being strong, in fact, at this point you are more in control that you ever have been before...you have stopped the cycle and you have taken your life out of danger...you are on the way to making yourself a healthy, happy, and confident person.
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-09-29 04:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you so so much. I appreciate the time you are taking to answer my questions so much! I'm not sure how much you lost or if you even want to talk about it, but I've lost about 30 pounds.. if you lost around that much, how long did it take for you to gain it back? Again, I thank you so much.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-09-29 11:04 pm (UTC)
From what I've found previously with others, it's best not to mention numbers to someone who's still struggling. I honestly don't want to be responsible for setting you back, since you're doing so well so far! So because of that, I won't get into how much I lost...just know that it took me over a year to gain it all back and by that time, I was practiced enough in how to eat correctly that I was able to round off the gain and just maintain weight instead.
And you're welcome! Seriously, helping someone get over my past nightmare is therapy for you, as well as for me.
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-09-30 11:11 pm (UTC)
Hmm ok, I'm thinking I'm gonna gain this weight back a lot faster than that though heh. And again, I thank you for responding.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2007-10-01 02:17 am (UTC)
No problem. And just always remember...whether you gain it back faster or not, you'll always be in control of how much you gain back and when the gain stops. And believe me, if you have faith in yourself you'll know when the time is right to call it quits and start maintaining weight instead.
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[User Picture]From: _b0mbsh3ll
2007-10-01 04:39 pm (UTC)
Yea, that's true. I'm just kinda afraid maybe I won't be able to stop but I used to like exercising before this so I know with exercise I will be able to.
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