?

Log in

*is a roller coaster of emotions* - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

*is a roller coaster of emotions* [Sep. 18th, 2008|09:37 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]

This is crazy! Two girls at work are 5 months pregnant, I helped four VERY pregnant customers today, and everyone's bringing their little toddlers in to shop! And now, as I sit here shedding the remnants of another month's unused egg, my body's very frustrated and feeling very empty. "You've been fertile for ten years, Amanda, and nothing?--you'd better get crackin'!", it says. But, I also feel bad for these students who'll need to raise a family, work, and go to school at the same time. They obviously made a mistake by having children so early.

On one hand, I ache for kids. My life won't be truly fulfilled until I become a mother. Ari and I can't wait to have a family. Every time I see a child something in my mind, body, and soul wrenches painfully and I ache to have one of my own.
On the other hand, the idea that I'll need to support the needs of another, 24/7, for the rest of my life, terrifies me. I'm glad Ari and I are waiting for marriage to "get busy"--this ensures that there's NO possibility of parenthood before we're ready for it. We'll be able to ensure that our children have parents who are emotionally, mentally, and financially able to give them the best lives possible.

I don't know, though...I just ache. I think I need a hug. Every month that goes by makes me shed one more gamete, each with its own unique set of traits.

Every month that goes by sheds one more unique child that I could have had but now, will never have. I can't help but wonder what each of them would be like.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: katinator44
2008-09-19 06:47 pm (UTC)
Dude...I hear EVERY WORD you're saying. I can't stress enough how much I know what you're talking about. I will not be complete until I have at least one child. I'd SO love to have a baby right now but like you said...the financial and mental burdens it would have keep me from fulfilling that longing right now. Besides, I want my kids to grow up happy and healthy...I could never give that to them right now.

And I too think about the children I could have had...could have been...might have become each month. I hate that :-P
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2008-09-23 01:00 am (UTC)
Yeah, it's a horrible feeling! It's good to know that you're making sane choices though.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2008-09-20 07:33 am (UTC)
I feel the same way sometimes, but I know it's just not going to be the right time until I'm probably in my 30's. Right now I need to figure myself out and spend time with my husband. If we had children too soon I know I'd end up resenting all the time they took. I'm also not in the right place financially, and I need at least a few more years of counseling. I just remind myself of that and it helps.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2008-09-23 12:57 am (UTC)
It's comforting to know that you've also made sane choices--that's a lot to say, considering we share the same crazy-ass reproductive genes.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2008-09-27 09:38 am (UTC)
Well, technically it's as likely that we share 0% of the same crazy-ass reproductive genes than that we share 100%...

Seriously though, having children is the biggest responsibility most people will ever have. I think that you have to make sure you are ready for that responsibility before you even have sex and take the risk of it happening.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)