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Finished M, S &T, and eating problems of late - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Finished M, S &T, and eating problems of late [Dec. 31st, 2003|09:48 am]
[Current Mood |happynot so sure]

Last night I finished reading the Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn series by Tad Williams. It was great! Seriously one of the best series I've ever read. I can't wait to read it again in a little while.
Yeah, I know I'm obsessed. But that goes for any of the other good books or series I've read.
So if you like fantasy books, you'll love these. They start with The Dragonbone Chair.

But anyway, enough of that. I had my counseling appointment yesterday, and we discovered many things that I hadn't known before. For a while now I've noticed I've been slipping back, and it's been getting harder to eat. As I look for food, I've been thinking "no, I don't need to eat right now. I'm going to get fat." And then I either eat the food and fight back, or put the food back and give in. And if I fight back, I feel fat. Extremely so. If I give in, I feel extremely good about myself.
This hasn't happened in so long. I think it has to do with the five pounds I gained over vacation. I just couldn't handle it. So what do I do? Will it pass, or will it get worse? I don't want another relapse--I couldn't handle it now.
No one except other anorexics know how hard it is for me to eat sometimes. It is an everyday struggle just to get by, and lately it's been getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. After 2 1/2 years of being able to fight, suddenly it's getting harder. I need to stop this before it gets worse. This needs to stop.

[User Picture]From: isolated_heart
2003-12-31 10:08 pm (UTC)
i hope you start eating normal =\
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-01 05:28 pm (UTC)
Aww thanks--I'll keep trying.
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[User Picture]From: atopazdragon
2004-01-01 04:25 am (UTC)
Is it possible that some sort of anti-anxiety medication could help you? Even a natural one like 5-htp or St. John's Wort might help you with the anxiety that you feel over your food decisions. I dunno -- it might be something to talk with your therapist about.
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From: elaineofshalott
2004-01-01 08:21 am (UTC)
but, to be noted: St. John's Wort is a mild MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitor). no one taking any of the newer class of antidepressants (SSRI's and their ilk) should take St. John's Wort, because the two react to each other in dangerous ways. also to remember: just because it's herbal, doesn't mean it's safe!

sorry. public service announcement. i felt compelled...
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-01 05:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks--that may work. I'm on some anti-anxiety medication already, but it doesn't really seem to be helping. A natural form just might work, though...
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From: elaineofshalott
2004-01-01 08:24 am (UTC)
this article ("the ancestry of anorexia," proposing a biological basis for the syndrome) may be of interest to you. i know i found it fascinating. isn't it mind-boggling, how psychology and physiology interact to produce perception?--how mind and body are linked into this thing we call a person's life.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-01 05:08 pm (UTC)
Wow thanks--I'll definitely read it. Yeah, it's very mind-boggling. All these different interrelated factors form who we are, what problems we have, and all these different things. Truly fascinating.
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[User Picture]From: futileanimosity
2004-01-01 05:11 pm (UTC)
I understand how you can be feeling tired of fighting all the time. My best friend has been through anorexia for 5 years now. She has relapsed 2 times, but has managed to stay strong. I have faith that you can get past this and move on. It wont be easy- but it will be well worth it. Thats all you can really believe in. It will be worth it

Take Care,
<3 April
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-01 05:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your faith in me--I'll keep trying to be strong.
I'm so sorry your friend has to deal with this too, but I'm glad she's getting through it. I'm sure I will too, I have before, but it just gets so hard sometimes. I'll keep telling myself that getting better is worth it.
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