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I'm back... - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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I'm back... [Jan. 6th, 2004|08:22 am]
Amanda
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

I've been off the computer for two days, and it's probably better that way. I missed you all very much, but I just wasn't in a position to do any of the things I usually do online. Commenting, talking, writing entries--all were just too much effort, too frighteningly social. But I'm better now.
I guess I'm just at that point in my life where I need to sort things out. I need to find out who I really am. I need to find out why I get angry and depressed for no apparent reason. And most importantly, I need to find out the reason I'm afraid of living my life, why I'm afraid of who I am. Every time I start to be myself, I freak out and push my identity back. I don't even realize I'm being myself until it's too late, until a false self has replaced everything and I'm acting fake again.
I guess it all comes down to this: I'm afraid of myself. But why? Myself is healthy. I'm happy when I'm acting like my true self. Maybe I'm afraid of growing up, of living my own life.
I'm getting more and more confused. Unlike most entries, this one has made me feel worse instead of better. I feel ashamed of all this, because it's so stupid. My life at this point is incredibly stupid. I need to sort things out, I really do. Writing helps, but what I really need to figure out is how to not automatically be afraid of myself.

In other news, I read the first three Harry Potter books and am now on the fourth. I forgot what utter masterpieces those books were. So if you haven't read them yet, read them!
English is such a weird language. Two read's used in different ways.
Anyway, I'll stop these pointless ramblings. They're not helping today. I sincerely hope you all have a great day.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: lilxpimpx069
2004-01-06 09:46 pm (UTC)
i love Harry Potter books,they're great <3 Rae
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-07 04:08 pm (UTC)
Yay for Harry Potter!
:)
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[User Picture]From: elaineofshalott
2004-01-07 03:13 am (UTC)
i'm interested...how exactly would you classify the h. p. books as 'masterpieces'? what i mean is, masterpieces of what? what is it about them that people--so many people, seemingly--have come to love?

i have not read them. i admit that up front. neither have i seen any of the movies. but from what i've heard (from numerous persons), they are the kind of fantasy which is mostly...escapist; which doesn't really seek to make any sort of point, to really move a person. they seem to be more for idle entertainment than anything else.

correct me if i'm wrong, or clarify...thanks in advance.
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[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2004-01-07 03:48 am (UTC)
The make a huge point and they definitely move a person. I would never classify them as idle entertainment. I tend to be wary of anything that is popular with the masses, so I didn't read them for a long time. And then finally I decided to read them, and wow. They are absolutely fucking amazing. The characters have incredible depth and emotion, the plot is wonderful, they are amazingly well written, and there is so much meaning behind her words. What I get from the books is that they are a metaphor for the state of the world right now. There are so many layers to them. I am extremely critical of literature, and these books just blow me away. You really should read them.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-07 04:07 pm (UTC)
I was wondering the exact same things before I read them, and I waited a long time to do so. I can't really tell what in particular people like about them...rather, I think it's a lot of things. For me, they're extremely funny so they cheer me up. They also have wonderful characters that I can identify with, and plots that are just so...real. But the big thing is, they don't make me feel like I'm alone. Haha, that sounds kinda weird, but it's the only way I can describe it. And then, they also are like a metaphor for what problems in the world are today, and those problems differ greatly.
Anyway, those are just my thoughts on the book(sorry this comment is so long!). I would highly recommend them, if you're ever looking for something to read.
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[User Picture]From: elaineofshalott
2004-01-07 07:01 pm (UTC)
thank you! (thank you both!) i will take what you've said to heart...the books (at least the first one) are officially added to my personal reading list. of course, that list is already quite long, so heaven knows when i'll actually get around to them....;>
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[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2004-01-07 03:51 am (UTC)
Maybe you're afraid to be happy. I know I was. That's been a big part of my eating disorder too. If I made myself overweight then I would feel bad, and I wanted to feel bad.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-07 03:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that could be...maybe I'm afraid I don't deserve to be happy, or something like that. Hmm...
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