||[Jan. 6th, 2004|08:22 am]
I've been off the computer for two days, and it's probably better that way. I missed you all very much, but I just wasn't in a position to do any of the things I usually do online. Commenting, talking, writing entries--all were just too much effort, too frighteningly social. But I'm better now.
I guess I'm just at that point in my life where I need to sort things out. I need to find out who I really am. I need to find out why I get angry and depressed for no apparent reason. And most importantly, I need to find out the reason I'm afraid of living my life, why I'm afraid of who I am. Every time I start to be myself, I freak out and push my identity back. I don't even realize I'm being myself until it's too late, until a false self has replaced everything and I'm acting fake again.
I guess it all comes down to this: I'm afraid of myself. But why? Myself is healthy. I'm happy when I'm acting like my true self. Maybe I'm afraid of growing up, of living my own life.
I'm getting more and more confused. Unlike most entries, this one has made me feel worse instead of better. I feel ashamed of all this, because it's so stupid. My life at this point is incredibly stupid. I need to sort things out, I really do. Writing helps, but what I really need to figure out is how to not automatically be afraid of myself.
In other news, I read the first three Harry Potter books and am now on the fourth. I forgot what utter masterpieces those books were. So if you haven't read them yet, read them!
English is such a weird language. Two read's used in different ways.
Anyway, I'll stop these pointless ramblings. They're not helping today. I sincerely hope you all have a great day.