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Concerns, dreams, goals, etc. - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Concerns, dreams, goals, etc. [May. 7th, 2003|06:12 pm]
[Current Mood |gloomygloomy]

Every time I read my journal from eighth grade, I realize who I was and who I still am. I had so many hopes back then--I was the one who was going to tell all of mankind what they were doing to the earth and everything on it, and how they could change their ways for good. Sure, I was depressed back then, but I almost knew that I wouldn't be that way for very long because I would do something that mattered.
Just take the first entry in my journal, for example: "I got this journal from my father for Christmas, and the oak tree on it makes me happy. It reminds me that outside this place of concrete and industrial waste, something survives. I can see it when I go hiking, I can see it when I look out my window, but more often I see it in all the ways in which things like this are dying. I also am becoming aware of all the psychological problems I have, the roots of which come from God knows what. I hope that writing in this journal will make me feel better--happier, more sane, and more able to face this troubled world I have found myself in...I feel that living like I do in a society that I hate means that I am destroying this wonderful world, and this is another reason why I don't deserve anything. I use products that living things died to make and travel in cars that raise the temperature. I eat food covered in nonbiodegradable packaging and therefore am condemning beautiful trees to death and filling landfills ever higher."
This is how I feel about the world I live in. And, judging by a dream I had this year after I became home-schooled, this is how I feel about school:"I had a dream that Mama and I were passing a crumbling, decaying school. We looked closer, and were surprised to see that students were arriving for the day. It took me a second to recognize where we were. 'It's Live Oak!', I told Mama, and suddenly I was afraid. Mama insisted that we investigate it, so we went to the first hallway we came to. None of the lights in the classrooms worked, and the only light that came through to this place was dim. There was dirt flaking off the walls in layers, and when we saw that we decided to go. That was when we discovered that there was no way out." Well, that about sums it up as far as school goes.

So, this is what worry and dream about, and that's all for now.