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Lately I've paid so much attention to my books that I've forgotten… - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Jan. 13th, 2004|07:03 pm]
[Current Mood |crazynot sure]
[Listening to |Cat Stevens--Teaser and the Firecat]

Lately I've paid so much attention to my books that I've forgotten nearly everything else about my life. It's been nice yet kind of annoying, all at the same time. But it keeps my mind off the fact that anger, apparently directed at nothing, keeps coming at me out of nowhere. I guess it's healthy to finally get all these contained feelings out, but it's upsetting nevertheless. I have a good life, so why am I so angry? Am I angry at the world, other people, or myself? And why? Why do I continue to feel so much anger that is accompanied by absolutely no thoughts at all? Thoughts are what I need right now, I need to think about my life at this point. I need to think about the world and what's happening to it, and the future, and all this other stuff. I need to write my book.
But I'm not--I'm sitting here writing yet another entry. And reading, always reading. I feel like I'm wasting my life, just as I do during all vacations up to this point.
But the fact is that I am sorting things out without even thinking about them. What I need more than anything is time, time to think about these things, and to make choices. Which I am, I guess. And the fact remains that I'm happier than I have been in a very, very long time.

I've been trying to comment more, and have had more of an idea as to what to say. Which is definitely a good thing.

I was listening to this radio station in the waiting room near my therapist's office, and it's so completely...*normal*....that I feel like I'm going to explode every time I go into there. It's just that everyone sounds so happy, yet very falsely so, and it bothers the heck out of me. Being happy is wonderful, but acting happy makes it seem like a person is hiding something, like it's a shame to be any other way. Which it's not, in my opinion.

But anyway, I hope all of you are doing well. I wish you all a good day.

[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2004-01-14 05:11 am (UTC)
Your life may be good but there are still a lot of bad and difficult things about it, just like everybody's life. Maybe you feel like you shouldn't be angry or upset so you refuse to accept it. The feelings vent anyway, but you can't feel them because you refuse to admit to them. Everybody has problems and everybody has a right to be upset and angry. It's just important to accept these bad feelings and to direct them in as healthy of a way as possible. And anyway, your own life aside, look at the world around us as a whole. How is that a good thing, how is that condusive to a good and happy life? You can still be happy despite of it, but there are always reasons to be upset or angry or scared.

If what you are doing is making you happy and helping you to relax or think then you are difinitely not wasting your life.

It's good that you have more to say. I am always interested in hearing what you have to say, but so often you talk without saying anything at all and it is very frustrating.

Yeah, the radio stations there suck ass. Not helpful with the therapy. I bet they wonder why so many of their patients come in angry every day. They don't realize that they were fine when they came in, it's just the radio station. ;)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-14 04:22 pm (UTC)
Wow--that's a very good point...I'll try to admit to myself that being angry is okay, and maybe that will help.

Thanks--another very good point. *runs to books. and LJ*

Yeah, I have a habit of doing that. It annoys me too, so I've been attempting to stop it entirely. It's hard, though.

Hahaha...hey, I think you're right...
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[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2004-01-15 05:06 am (UTC)
i'm not always right, you know... really! sometimes i'm even wrong.
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