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I'll try to explain [Jan. 23rd, 2004|08:10 am]
[Current Mood |uncomfortableupset]

I feel a little better today. Last night I talked to my mom, I cried, and then I felt better. I don't know, I just think I've gotten to the point where I've realized I don't want my life to be like this forever. And I'm scared. I don't want to be caught up in this hell, a hell of my own making. I want to be happy, I want to be free from all this.
And most importantly, I want to be myself.
I just can't stand this...every time a little happiness comes my way, I freak out and ruin it for myself. And then I feel like the worst person in the world for even being happy. Why? Why do I hate myself so much? When I'm not acting nuts, I'm a pretty decent person. So why am I afraid to be like that? Why do I always ruin it for myself? It's like a cycle that never ends...happy...guilty...crazy...happy...guilty...crazy...
It never stops! Unless, of course, I make it stop. It's all up to me now.

[User Picture]From: wyleya
2004-01-24 02:16 am (UTC)
its probably ur self esteem. you've got to start thinking of yourself as perfect. you are perfectly you, and no one else will ever be like you, and that makes you special.
maybe you've treated urself bad, maybe you feel guilty becuase you don't think you deserve such happiness.

but you do. beleive me. take it from sum1 who knows. you do deserve it.

and you can be afraid of happiness sometimes too. i am terrifed of it sometimes. but the thing is, life in it's entirety is a risk. you just have to take it. and nomatter how bad it gets, all that bad is gonna be three times better if you just get through it and happiness always comes back.

if you let it.

give yourself a break, and i hope you take these words to heart. *forever to thee, and forever free. just let go, and let this world flow*
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2004-01-24 02:58 am (UTC)
Thank you so much--those are words of wisdom. You're very right, and I'll try to remember what you said :)
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