|I'll try to explain
||[Jan. 23rd, 2004|08:10 am]
I feel a little better today. Last night I talked to my mom, I cried, and then I felt better. I don't know, I just think I've gotten to the point where I've realized I don't want my life to be like this forever. And I'm scared. I don't want to be caught up in this hell, a hell of my own making. I want to be happy, I want to be free from all this.
And most importantly, I want to be myself.
I just can't stand this...every time a little happiness comes my way, I freak out and ruin it for myself. And then I feel like the worst person in the world for even being happy. Why? Why do I hate myself so much? When I'm not acting nuts, I'm a pretty decent person. So why am I afraid to be like that? Why do I always ruin it for myself? It's like a cycle that never ends...happy...guilty...crazy...happy...guilty...crazy...
It never stops! Unless, of course, I make it stop. It's all up to me now.