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My dream, and the brief history of a problem (or Honesty Part One) - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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My dream, and the brief history of a problem (or Honesty Part One) [Jun. 27th, 2003|07:05 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |honest]
[Listening to |"Looking for my Life"]

Okay, here's my dream:
I had a dream that I was at my birthday party with my friends. My family had hired talking hyenas (weird) to be guests along with my friends, and I had found a muppet spider in an attic who wanted to come too. I was trying to make cookies for the party, but Mama said they were too brown so I kept throwing the batches away.
Then I saw pretty trees outside and wanted to climb them, so I went and did so. But the trees cut my feet and I fell out of them, and I was asking everyone to pay attention to me because my feet hurt. Then I turned into a ghost and went to a house in the suburbs looking for a scale because I was afraid I had lost weight. It turned out that I had lost 5 pounds, and so I figured that was why I had turned into a ghost. I thought I had better eat some brownies that were on the table in the house, but I didn't want to steal them from the people there. I then left and the people thanked me very much for visiting them.
So...have any of you wondered why my dreams have been so food oriented? I guess I have to come out with the truth sooner or later. It goes like this: I was at a normal weight three years ago and then lost 50 pounds in less than a year. By the end of winter, I weighed 89 pounds and was clinically diagnosed as anorexic (this wasn't caused by trivial problems--it was caused mainly by a lack of control in my life. I thought that if I could control my weight, I could somehow bring my life back into my own hands). I had no fat left, my body was actually eating my muscles, it was extremely painful to sit down, I had heart problems, and it was very hard to think clearly. At this point of my life, it was a constant battle at every meal. My life was hell. I hope none of you will think less of me after reading this entry. It was very hard to finally say this. Luckily, in the last 1 1/2 years I have re-gained the 50 pounds and am now healthy again. I owe the most thanks to my cat Minuet. When we got her we were both emaciated, and seeing her gain weight encouraged me to do the same. However, I still am obsessed with food, as you can tell from my dreams lately. And I am also afraid every time I lose even a pound or feel fat, for fear that I'm getting back into my old ways. Thank you for reading this. I hope that honesty will strengthen my LJ friendships, and I will try to be more honest in the future. Thank you very much for reading.
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Comments:
From: prisonerx
2003-06-27 07:32 pm (UTC)
that is a very inspiring story. my cats have helped me tremendously as well.

*m
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-06-27 07:56 pm (UTC)

Re:

Cool! Cats really are saviors. Whenever I feel depressed or upset, Minuet helps me along. She's there for me no matter what.
Thanks for replying.
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From: treepatter
2003-06-27 09:02 pm (UTC)
That was very brave and awesome of you to share that story. Anyone who would think less of you after reading that isn't really a "friend".
I've never dealt with something like this, so i can't know exactly what you feel, but i will offer this:
If you start getting worried about yourself, try not to just think about the most recent/current situation. Try and think about a broader span of time. If you've only lost a couple of pounds recently, it's probably okay. But if you've been losing over the last few months or so, then you might have a problem you need to address.
That way of thinking can be applied to different situations, and from my experience, it seems to work well.
peace

by the way, i really like your icons :)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-06-27 09:11 pm (UTC)

Re:

Thank you--luckily I've just fluctuated a little above and below my normal weight lately. Thanks for the advice too. I'll try to broaden my view.
Yeah, I love my icons. Thank you for the compliment. I like yours a lot too.
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[User Picture]From: burasama
2003-06-28 07:04 am (UTC)
Of course I wouldn't think less of you because of this. I can't imagine that anyone would think less of you because of this.
I think it's wonderful that your cat helped you through your problem. Animal companions can be there for a person like other humans can't. Or something like that...
You shouldn't worry too much about losing or gaining just a few pounds. As long as you're okay over a longer period of time, it should be fine.
I hope you feel better by sharing this with your friends in the LJ community. I find that it sometimes -- by all means, not always -- helps to share problems with people. You also shouldn't worry that people will think less of you for this. If someone does, then he or she isn't a very understanding person. I, too, know what it's like to deal with a weight control problem -- although mine is on the other end of the spectrum.
Anyway, I just have one question for you. I know that food plays a big part in your dreams and everything, but do you actually bake cookies? I noticed in your other dream that you were making cookies and again in this dream. I was just wondering -- plain curiosity.

Oh yeah -- the part about the talking hyenas being at your birthday party, that's hilarious. Don't ask me why, it just strikes me as so odd it's funny.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-06-28 08:13 am (UTC)

Re:

Thank you so much--yeah, I do feel better after sharing this. And yeah, I do bake cookies a lot. Right now I'm kind of at a loss, though, because there's nothing much in the house to make them with. I love Minuet so much. Cats are so special--I know what you mean.
I found the talking hyenas, as well as the muppet spider, hilarious too. And try not to worry overly much about your weight control problem. Thanks a lot for your comment.
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[User Picture]From: misssc
2003-07-02 01:42 pm (UTC)
Like others have commented, I wouldn't worry too much about a few pounds here and there. The main thing is you know you don't ever want to get like that again and because you are aware of that fact I don't think you have much to worry about. It sounds like your cat was there when you needed her most. Perhaps she knew you needed her as much as she needed you. I say this because you said in a reply to one of my posts that she was a stray. It takes a lot of courage to come out and talk about this. Anyone who would think less of you is not a friend.

As for making cookies part of the dream. You say that something is always wrong with the cookies (to brown). Is there something in your life were no matter how hard you seem to try or how well you think you've done someone finds fault? Perhaps that's why you keep making them over. Trying to please everyone around you. That's just a thought though.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-07-02 04:27 pm (UTC)

Re:

Thanks a lot--yeah, I think you're right in the fact that Minuet needed me as much as I needed her. She's just like that--sure, she needs her space, but she needs more attention than any cat I've heard of.
Hmm...as for the part about making cookies, it sounds like the fact that I'm never good enough for myself. Everyone else I know thinks I'm just fine, but I'm constantly telling myself that I'm not good enough. I guess I just have really low self-confidence. But yeah, maybe that's what the dream was trying to tell me--that I need to be happy with myself.
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