|The decision is reached, as I think it had to be eventually.
||[Dec. 31st, 2005|02:10 pm]
Ok, I think I've made a decision that I've been trying to avoid for quite a while. Regarding Heather.|
I hate treating our friendship like some kind of experiment. You know, going from Plan A to Plan B to Plan C in an attempt to try and a) make her happy with both myself and herself, b) accomodate my own life and other friends, and c) allow me to speak my true mind in my journal without recieving comments which upset me.
But, I can now say that I've tried and tried to find something that works, but have reached a dead end every time. I know what would solve it, which would be spending most of my free time talking to her on IM. But, I know that what free time I do have will only be alright for a while. Eventually, she'll want more of my time and not be happy with the amount she does have. Goodness knows I've tried it enough times. Another dead end. Plus, I don't want to talk with someone I feel forced to talk with, even if I would otherwise. That's not what I consider friendship (and again, I don't think she's doing this on purpose but she can't seem to stop, regardless).
She also seems jealous of everyone else I associate with, namely Ari. I don't think she does it on purpose or even that it's wrong, but it upsets me and makes me angry. No friend deserves that much anger directed at them, but I can't find any plausible way to stop her jealousy and therefore my anger will never stop, either.
All I want is for her to stop obsessing so much over me, and letting things I do or say upset her, when I had no intention of them doing so. I never tried to insult her. Also, I don't know if she's purposefully tried to insult me. Either way, we're both angry and hurt and have been for months, and nothing I can do within reason seems likely to mend this situation.
So I'm giving up, Heather. Not to spite you, not to get back at you...it's just because I've tried everything else, and I think it would be better for both of us. Don't take it personally. I think it's in your best interest too. You have other friends. You have other interests. You have a life that's flourishing. So do I, and ours don't seem to mix well anymore. You're a wonderful person, but the way things have been handled (on both our parts) have been far from wonderful and I don't think this can change. It's been five months and it's gotten worse, not better.
This is for the best. Please try not to be too upset, and please do not take this as a sign you need to change, or feel horrible, or try to make it better. Just humour me, ok? It's for the best, and it's in your best wishes as well as mine. You'll see.