|It is bad...
||[Mar. 19th, 2006|10:05 am]
I was really depressed yesterday. Horribly needing people yet terrified to get people, and out of energy and having no motivation for anything and completely numb to any kind of feeling. I sat on my bed staring at the lamp and listening to the same song on repeat for 3 hours (couldn't muster up enough energy to reach for the remote to change it, or to do anything else, even though I was begging myself to), and thinking about all the things I had to get done, or the people I needed to call back, but not feeling anything at all towards any of it.
...yeah. Couldn't get enough courage to answer any of my phone calls or IM's, or call or IM anyone else. Ari called briefly a couple times, and of course I talked to him because I'm a selective snob..
I think I scared him though. Or, at least really hurt him by the way I was acting.
He said that depression like this is beyond anything that he can help, and that I can't be depending on him to be my therapist for everything that happens...it's not healthy for anyone, and there are some things he can't know best how to help. That I need to find someone to talk to, at least now that my stress level has been so high...which yeah, of course I need to. I would in a second if I had a car.
I just keep telling myself that the horrific downtown bus routes (all the therapists are in East Roseville, and I'm in West) would create just as much stress as a counselor would disspell. That, and the copayment...$20 every week? With my hours being cut so much, that's more than 25% of what I'm making right now!!
Yet I shoud not be making excuses. He's right about this. It's probably good he had the gall to say it.
I'm better today, but still pretty numb. I know I should be more worried about my health than I am, but I just can't drag out enough feeling from it. I'm also worried about if I scared Ari away or really hurt him or something...when I'm as depressed as that, I can do that many times to so many people and not even know it.
I should be more worried about that too, since my thoughts keep telling me I really should be, but I'm not. That scares my mind, and it would terrify my feelings too if I had any right now. It's probably ok, but I don't know either way.
I know this is because I've been alone here for two weeks. As much as I hate having to live with them, it seems that feeling inadequate and angry from someone else is easier than feeling nothing at all. This is the third weekend that the house has been so quiet, and that I've had to face this. I know this is a large part of the cause for my depression. They're coming back next Saturday so it won't last much longer. I was planning on going to the store, but I was afraid to because I knew I'd be bound to spend money I don't have on things I don't need, and I'd have that bank balance to stress about. It seems like so much now, but I'm going to need every penny and probably twice as much before this is all through. So the store could have helped, but I couldn't make myself go out there.
I feel better, but still half-numb. Got some stuff done today that I couldn't bring myself to yesterday. It's a long day ahead still, but it should be better than yesterday. I just hope I haven't ruined anything. If so, I'll regret it later...right now, I can't make myself be worried, which in a way is scarier because it doesn't feel like me that's showing this much apathy.