|A hard lesson learned, but one I finally have learned.
||[Apr. 19th, 2006|08:11 am]
I've been thinking so much lately about what I'm grateful for. And I now realize that I've been taking my body for granted. I've been seeing it as a heavy weight to carry...a bag of never-ending aches and complaints and needs.
But now, I have developed a profound reverence for it. This streamlined machine does everything possible to keep me in it, just so I can experience through its senses everything that life has to offer. EVERY bit of the life that I know has been experienced through the means of which it provides me. When my mind was gone, in the throes of anorexia, it clung to existence. I didn't have to ask, or even know, that it had reverted to the ancestral famine-survival mode. It did because I needed to live, and if it hadn't...well, I would not be around to appreciate it.
Thinking about this, it is almost like my body has been here far longer than me...evolving, developing, preparing for the life it would one day give me.
My body was given to me, or it offered itself to me...which it is, I'm not entirely sure. Either way, it made this all for me. It's like this faithful servant that works, constantly, at a complexity one cannot even fathom.
You know what? I suddenly don't even mind these aching muscles or constantly-rumbling stomach, or the silly breakouts on my face. I've been cruel and ungrateful to this body all my life, reaping the benefits without thought, yet ruthlessly condoning the flaws. There was a time in which I rebelled against this mortal shell with every fiber of my being, trying to get ABOVE it in order to reach perfection. The anorexia...I almost didn't survive. I almost didn't find out what a wonderful person was waiting for me behind that illness.
Now, I will simply be grateful that this "shell" is here to make this lovely life possible...to make ME possible. It is true that the body cannot exist without the soul. But also, the soul cannot exist without the body. The two are on a relationship so close and so intimate that it's sometimes difficult to see which is which. They do this for me. They MAKE me. They give me life, which is the greatest gift that could ever be given.
I'm going to love this body from now on.