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Persistent insecurities about my "worth" - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Persistent insecurities about my "worth" [May. 14th, 2006|07:32 am]
[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[Listening to |nine inch nails]

I've had this curious, persistent thought as long as I can remember: I wish I could see myself the way others see me...anything, just a glimpse. Just to prove to myself that I'm a good person.
There are countless people who love me and care about me and are intrigued by me. I know it must be true that what they see is good, and that I'm worthy of their love. After all, I love them back with all my heart and never question why I do.

But...I'm stuck inside myself. I can only see what I'm like in my mind, but I'll never be able to see what I'm like from the outside, or what people like so much about the personality they see.

I was asking Ari..."what if I videotaped myself in a conversation? Would this let me see what others like so much?". He said no, because I wouldn't let myself see, because my mind doesn't want me to know what others love about me. That'd be too easy.

Damn. He knows me too well...that's exactly what would happen. It's happened time and again before, anyway. I still have so much to sort out in this mind of mine, and I can only find out these little things if I come to terms with why they're there in the first place.

I hate to say it, but I'm still ashamed of being loved. I still worry some days that I don't deserve it.