|This is the funny post I promised last night...
||[Jun. 6th, 2006|10:42 am]
I now bring you excerpts from The Lexicon of Stupidity, an ingeniusly hilarious book I'm horribly addicted to):
--San Diego Padres announcer Jerry Coleman, attempting to tell radio listeners about a long fly ball hit by a member of the opposing team
These are my favorites, in alphabetical order by subject. I got up to "H", and I'll post more later if you'd like :P
"A community policeman stopped him for not riding a motorcycle while wearing a helmet, York magistrates heard."
--Yorkshire, England, evening post
"YOUTH HIT BY CAR RIDING BICYCLE"
"I never would have dreamed it would turn out to be the bees! They've always been our friends!"
--Brad Crane (Michael Caine), The Swarm, 1978
"All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health."
--Kentucky statute 252.130
"He is either in Afghanistan or some other country or dead."
--Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, at a Pentagon press briefing about Osama Bin Laden
"The Labor Department said the increase in unemployment last month resulted from workers losing their jobs."
--Keystone Heights, Florida, newspaper
"Health department says death certificates are to be ordered one week in advance of death."
--Lancaster (Ohio) Eagle-Gazette
"Exit access is that part of a means of egress that leads to an entrance to an exit."
--government fire-prevention pamphlet for homes for the elderly
"CHRISTMAS VACATION ASSIGNMENTS
To aid and guide you on your pathway to learning, the following assignments will help you to activate vehemently your newly acquired aim, "Enthusiasm".
1. A vocabulary test will be given the day you return to school.
2. Oral book reports will be given the first week of school.
--memo to ninth-grade students before Christmas vacation, quoted in Neil Postman's Crazy Talk, Stupid Talk
"MAN ACCUSED OF SHOOTING NEIGHBOR, DOG HELD FOR TRIAL"
--headline, The (Harrisburg, Pennsylvania) Patriot News
"MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE"
"COCKROACH SLAIN; HUSBAND BADLY HURT"
"A stray bullet killed one bystander slightly."
--Maryville (Missouri) Forum
"Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries."
"The caribou love [the oil pipeline]. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
--President George H. W. Bush, on the Alaska Pipeline
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
--Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to third world countries
"It isn't pollution that's harming our environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Dan Quayle
"On December 5th, come in with your friends and family and paint your balls for Christmas."
--Listing for an Atlanta, Georgia, restaurant event
"Kentucky Fried Chicken
Try our new zesty owl."
--marquee ad at KFC (the "B" was missing from "bowl")
So THAT'S what they do when they run out of chicken!
"I was asked to come to Chicago because Chicago is one of our 52 states."
--Actress Raquel Welch, on her appearance at a pro-choice rally in Chicago.
Okay, maybe Dracula just isn't that popular anymore. This is probably why NEW horror shows on TV these days feature NEW truly terrifying monsters:
"9:00: The Real Prince Philip
Continuing Channel 4's Halloween horror season"
--television listing in The Guardian (England)
I will continue later :)