|Surreality (is this a word?)
||[Jun. 23rd, 2006|07:26 pm]
LJ feels so weird...I need to get the right mindset back for it. It's almost like I've forgotten how to show my feelings. Settings have a huge effect on my mindset, it seems...I'm not used to being here when I write. I'm used to being in front of my father's computer. Looking at a different screen causes me to write about different things, and in a different way. How weird...though I suppose that in time, it will go back to how I actually am and what I actually want to say.
Life seems like a painting lately, or a movie...almost poetic. I'm a part of it and it's happening, yet it seems so surreal. I keep getting the little realizations about Ari like, "he's here! I'm here!". I hope that never ends...it feels great. Walking Chester with held hands in the morning, riding bikes in an abandoned lot at dusk, waiting for the bus and sharing a block of Blue Stilton (indeed, the King of Cheese), making a grocery list together, playing card games, watching movies, unknowingly finishing each other's sentences...it's all these things I've wanted so very long to do, and thought so very long about doing. And now that they're happening, it feels almost detached from reality. Like a dream I'm about to wake up from. I know the strong feelings are there, but they're hidden behind something. I still feel them, but I can't seem to control them. I feel almost like Morgaine in The Mists of Avalon, stuck in the faery country. I know the days are passing outside, but they don't matter. I'm being sucked in and I have no idea how many days have drifted by unchecked. A whole month has gone and it feels like I've only just gotten here. Everything's new, yet that makes everything blend into everything else because new-ness is something they all share.
I still feel like myself, but "myself" feels so far from me because I'm so used to nothing working out and nothing being as I've ached for it to be. Now that it pretty much is, I'm so unaccustomed to life being this good. I keep feeling like there is a catch...like some sort of bad thing I'm overlooking. And that makes it tinged with a bittersweet feeling of my own invention. Just because I feel it's neccessary for it to be there. Hell, it's comforting for it to be there. And hence, this gives me a weird feeling.
Is this making sense at all? What I'm saying is basically: I love him, I'm very very happy, things are working out wonderfully, I'm very thankful and sure that this is right, but it's still damn weird.
This migraine is making things harder to describe than I'd hoped. Hopefully you understand what I mean, anyway?