|I've never felt so alive.
||[Aug. 17th, 2006|11:44 pm]
|||||goodbye writer's block!!||]|
Overheard one of the 9/11 emergency calls on the radio tonight. The person undoubtedly died as she spoke and yet there it is--her voice reliving those final moments for all to hear, over and over. It shook me...horribly. It launched me into the same emotional state as Titanic, when I watched it so long ago. Damn, that movie haunted me for months after I saw it, and now this haunts me too.
It's not what happened that disturbs me. It's how fragile those peoples' lives were. They were snuffed out in an instant by forces beyond their control. No warning. No way out. It's happened to every form of life, in some magnitude, as long as life has existed. Horrific, uncertain, catastrophic obliteration. No way to tell death from just another day. No way but sheer chance.
I've been seeing everything with different eyes since then. I am so damned LUCKY to be alive. In geologic time, my life is little more than a wavering memory; it's as good as over before it even starts. But that's the beauty of it! I'm short-lived, whether I die tomorrow or 100 years from now. Yet because of that, I move with a hummingbird frequency that's beyond beautiful. So does everyone I've ever loved and will ever love. So does the whole world.
Ari is so painfully beautiful after this. I've been too stressed lately to really concentrate on how he looks at me. What does stress have to do with life? We have these simple little ways to make each other happy. Regardless of our mortality, we live on in the memories that have been made and will be made.
When the time comes that we are nothing but dust, I'm confident that something will survive...a memory of a memory, or some sort of nameless impression on the air. This will be our legacy...but above all, we will have lived.
I feel so very small, knowing that all these forces could end everything I know in one single instant, unfinished and unseen. Humanity's one incredible enigma. In our quest to rise above our roots, we have found that nothing could bring us closer to them. We are the world's, and just as it made our lives possible, so can it take them back at any time. And so can we. We have the same limitations as any protist or alga...our lives follow the same patterns as the bacteriums on our hands. One minute we live, and the next...we're gone.
With every ounce of hope I have, I pray to die peacefully after a good, fulfilling life. I need to stop fussing over how things happen and just be glad they're happening. I've been given a great gift and a great opportunity, in this life. I need to discover how to love every bit of it.