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I've never felt so alive. - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I've never felt so alive. [Aug. 17th, 2006|11:44 pm]
[Current Mood |okaylucky]
[Listening to |goodbye writer's block!!]

Overheard one of the 9/11 emergency calls on the radio tonight. The person undoubtedly died as she spoke and yet there it is--her voice reliving those final moments for all to hear, over and over. It shook me...horribly. It launched me into the same emotional state as Titanic, when I watched it so long ago. Damn, that movie haunted me for months after I saw it, and now this haunts me too.

It's not what happened that disturbs me. It's how fragile those peoples' lives were. They were snuffed out in an instant by forces beyond their control. No warning. No way out. It's happened to every form of life, in some magnitude, as long as life has existed. Horrific, uncertain, catastrophic obliteration. No way to tell death from just another day. No way but sheer chance.

I've been seeing everything with different eyes since then. I am so damned LUCKY to be alive. In geologic time, my life is little more than a wavering memory; it's as good as over before it even starts. But that's the beauty of it! I'm short-lived, whether I die tomorrow or 100 years from now. Yet because of that, I move with a hummingbird frequency that's beyond beautiful. So does everyone I've ever loved and will ever love. So does the whole world.
Ari is so painfully beautiful after this. I've been too stressed lately to really concentrate on how he looks at me. What does stress have to do with life? We have these simple little ways to make each other happy. Regardless of our mortality, we live on in the memories that have been made and will be made.

When the time comes that we are nothing but dust, I'm confident that something will survive...a memory of a memory, or some sort of nameless impression on the air. This will be our legacy...but above all, we will have lived.

I feel so very small, knowing that all these forces could end everything I know in one single instant, unfinished and unseen. Humanity's one incredible enigma. In our quest to rise above our roots, we have found that nothing could bring us closer to them. We are the world's, and just as it made our lives possible, so can it take them back at any time. And so can we. We have the same limitations as any protist or alga...our lives follow the same patterns as the bacteriums on our hands. One minute we live, and the next...we're gone.

With every ounce of hope I have, I pray to die peacefully after a good, fulfilling life. I need to stop fussing over how things happen and just be glad they're happening. I've been given a great gift and a great opportunity, in this life. I need to discover how to love every bit of it.

[User Picture]From: opera_lover_44
2006-08-18 06:56 am (UTC)
Hi...it's been awhile since I've talked to you...a very long while...I don't even know what you heard last of my life lol just wanted to say hi I suppose...and your entry was very powerful :)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-08-21 10:40 pm (UTC)
Sorry I haven't talked with you in so long, Kathryn...I went through a bunch of IM-angst and basically have went for months without signing on. I hope to talk to you soon though. I'm finally getting over it a bit. But I've been reading your entries and it seems like you're doing very well, and for that I'm glad :)
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[User Picture]From: pieni
2006-08-18 08:00 am (UTC)
Nice Current Music you've got there. :)

Seriously though, this is a beautiful entry, and it's true that the world looks very different for a while after you experience something shocking.

I think there's something similar about homesickness; it makes your home look like much more wonderful place when you get to return.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-08-21 10:38 pm (UTC)
Oh boy, is it ever! :)
Exactly...the mere thought of having my own life be so fragile and finite has given me this sudden, fierce love for it. It's very wonderful.
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From: treepatter
2006-08-18 06:33 pm (UTC)
I think this is your finest post ever.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-08-21 10:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! That was my thought too, after I'd finished writing. I've missed thoughts pushing themselves out of my fingertips onto the page but finally, it's happened again with this :)
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[User Picture]From: glacier_kitty
2006-08-18 09:28 pm (UTC)
Wow...this is the best post you've ever written. BRILLIANT :)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2006-08-21 10:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you!! For the first time in ages, I actually felt like the writing was a part of me. I've missed that feeling :)
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