|My road will be paved towards something wonderful.
||[Mar. 12th, 2007|05:11 pm]
My sense of life rings with a dim finality. It's spring break, I could be anywhere in the world...but here I am in this dorm, sworn to make my share of a living this week. I am grateful for the time with my thoughts, nothing to disturb or engage me from this little mental odyessey that it seems I must make. Indeed, there is another turning point surfacing and this one's purely mental.
For I ask myself...when did this happen? When did I grow up? Unlike so many of the others my age, I know that whatever happens, whenever it happens, I will not be going back home. California does not hold my future. Even as I ache for the green hills and live oaks, for a sight of my family...no, that vision is not mine to live any longer. That place does not hold my future: only I do. Only I can make it for myself, regardless of who it is made with. I just know that I can no longer depend upon my family. They do not offer the emotional niche that I've grown to fit into. The one that's reserved for me is years old and horribly confining. I feel myself slipping into it every time I talk to my mother or father. No, that is not me. It feels nothing like me. It threatens to make years of mental progress null and void. I do not wish to be someone's child again. We all are, yet that should not define us wholly.
I am beautiful now. I have color and warmth in my face. I know what to say. I act as one in touch with herself. Hell, I FEEL in touch with myself. I'm trying to work on my posture. People are drawn to me (much more than I would like) because I am confident, smart, dependable...who on earth knows what else? I know I will be able to survive far longer than most. As far as that goes, I already HAVE if my life were to stop tomorrow.
It just feels like I'm on my way towards something very important as my thoughts run this through, expectant. It's coming soon and I don't know what it is.