|My outlook changes with the seasons, as always. Beautiful autumn always does this to me.
||[Oct. 14th, 2007|08:09 pm]
My days hold something akin to desperation. I know I'm going to die. Long away in the future, let's hope, but still I am going to die one day. I regret this, I feel like I've missed out on so much by leading this single life. I want to feel the whole world through my eyes, at least see something I KNOW no one else has never seen before and never will see again, something that will show itself to no one but me, some fresh and precious moment in time.
How do I know if anything I've seen or thought or felt is even special? The same things have been experienced again and again throughout time. They're old. How do we manage to go on without tiring of them--is life so deeply instilled in us as this? I hunger for a day when things are constant, when the flurry of weary interruptions settle down so I can see what lies beyond their storm. So I can know if I've actually been living all this time.
Why this cycle of hustle-bustle, school and work, commitment upon commitment, all of which I've fulfilled before? I complete one assignment and am handed another. A weekend of celebration passes as I work my way forward to the next. Precious days shine like gems amongst the cacophony of "same-old, same-old".
Is this all that will make up my life...this open-ended march through the same days, the same thoughts and feelings? Whether they're good or bad, these weeks will never end. They will continue to lead the way through the coming years...I'm 20 now and soon 30, then 40...the seasons pass and with them the precious memories, a few more to keep all the time. Fragile hopes spring to fruition or are lost, again and again, year after year. One day I'll be swallowed up in this, or Ari...whoever comes first. We both have only so many years, as do our loved ones.
I want to cling to my youth and never let go. I want to share in all the experiences of my days before it's too late, drink them up to form some larger picture in me. I fear that in laying the road for the rest of my life I'm missing out on something fundamentally important. There are so many things that can never be learned in a university, that can only be dreamed about. I feel the need to find them.