||[May. 30th, 2003|08:47 pm]
Wow! I'm actually a lot better! I was in a really bad mood and was getting on Mama's case, and she said I could either open the door to getting better or continue to verbally abuse people all my life. Then I actually did the right thing--I cried...and cried...then cried some more...and finally ended up with this big ball of anger in my stomach. My 7-year-old self was finally showing how mad she was after 9 whole years!
Before then, when my parents divorced, I locked all this anger inside of me until it festered and turned into anorexia, then paranoia, and then who knows what. Imagine dealing with this as well as several inherited or born-with personality and obsessive-compulsive disorders, and then imagine being my family! I know they'll probably never forgive me, and I don't expect them to. If I had to live with such a screwed-up person all my life, I would definitely hold some grudges.
Well, back to the anger...Mama told me to concentrate on being my 7-year-old persona, and then to focus on who I am angry at and why. It wored very well. The top three people I'm mad at are, from a small child's view:My mother, Crystal, and my father. All of this anger was based on the idea that my mother took my father away, Crystal was in on it, and my father let it happen. All of these things, of course, I now know to be not true, but when my parents divorced I thought they were. I'm not really sure how anyone could think that, but unfortunately I did. Oh well--at least my problems with the divorce are now almost resolved.
Oh yeah, and after I got out my anger, a little voice(my voice from around that significant time--I've heard it on tape recorders)said "Hi there. I'm Amanda". I suddenly felt that O wasn't alone, and felt the way I used to before all this happened to me. It was great.
Oh yeah--I also had a very significant dream(part of which I think is connected with one of my past lives). But it is so detailed that I think it will have to wait for another entry. Well, thanks for listening. I feel so much better now!