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Sanity rant--don't get offended. It's not directed at anyone. - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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Sanity rant--don't get offended. It's not directed at anyone. [Oct. 14th, 2003|04:19 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |fat]

I apologize--I'm not like this very often, and I don't think I complain this much usually.

I was trying to figure out why I was so depressed today, and the thought came into my head that my life is wrong, the world is wrong, and it's not getting any better. In fact, it's getting worse. I am losing faith in myself. For the first time in so long, I thought I would be "giving in" if I ate my sandwich for lunch. And then I thought that's a sign I should better eat it. But how much longer am I going to hold out with that? Life is hard, and that's the only thing I can count on right now. I'm proud of myself for making it out of my anorexia alive, but now I'm not so proud. I feel worthless right now, and I don't even know why. And I feel fat--another thing I haven't felt like in so long. And what's so bad about being fat, I ask myself. And the answer is that it's okay if anyone else is fat, but if I am it means I am lazy. And worthless. And greedy. I hate this stupid disease. It kicks you when you are down. Whenever I am depressed, that's the only time that I feel this way. Or maybe I feel depressed because I feel this way. And every time it gets worse. Now it is hard to even get the energy to type, let alone get up out of this chair. My stomach feels like a big ball of tension. And I just want to talk to someone--not argue, just talk, and maybe even laugh. Or to watch a nice funny movie. But the TV's broken.
Anyway, I'm not very fun to be with right now, as you can probably tell. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but then again it may not. I'll just have to wait and see, but either way it will be a hard day.

Anyway, I hope you all are having a better day than I am!
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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-10-15 02:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you--I hope so too.
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[User Picture]From: potc_fan
2003-10-15 01:17 am (UTC)
I know what your feeling. I'm feeling depressed too (it doesn't happen to me often) but I haven't posted it in my lj, because I know some people are weird and are like "oh god, what's wrong with this person" lol. And feel better. A lot of people get lazy (hehe, look at me, I'm lazy all the time). Anyways, I hope everything starts going better for you. If I wasn't so lazy I'd search my mind to remember some really smart quote from Gandalf. lol. :o)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-10-15 02:11 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot--I'm sorry you are depressed too, and I hope you feel better soon. Anyway, thanks. I hope things get better for everyone. I'll try to tell myself that being lazy is okay for me, just as it's okay for everyone else to be.
lol...yeah, Gandalf says some pretty cool things :)
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From: treepatter
2003-10-15 03:37 am (UTC)
I hear what you are saying about things being depressing in the world, and only getting worse. Which is why i am probably not going to have any kids.
But for those of us that are already here...
We have to keep doing the best we can. In your case, you are still very young, so don't put so much pressure on yourself. You have realized so much already, you are continuing to educate yourself, and you want to make a difference. And i think you will make some sort of difference. Just try not to be in such a rush.
And hey, don't forget to enjoy the good things (like your animals, friends, family, and the nature near you) and smile often.
peace
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-10-15 02:06 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much--I'll try not to rush things, and I'll try to put more faith in myself, although sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it. But I'll try anyway--that's just something to work on, I guess.
I'll try to point out the good things in life to myself as well--the things you mentioned being very good suggestions.
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[User Picture]From: atopazdragon
2003-10-15 04:39 am (UTC)
I hope you're feeling better. I've been depressed/angry for most of the day, too. I think it's something in the air. :(

*happy thoughts* -- fuzzy kittens playing with string, and cashmere sweaters, and making cookies, and magestic trees in the woods, and cherry blossoms, and the LOTR, and smiley people, and the smell of fall..... :).
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-10-15 02:01 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much--I'll try to think of these happy things.
I'm feeling worse today, but I really hope you're feeling better. Maybe you're right--maybe it is something in the air.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-10-15 02:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much--I'll try to look on the bright side of things--which can be hard, but it needs to be done.
And thank you--if I ever need to talk I'll let you know. And if you ever do as well, feel free to do the same :)
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