|A shocking observation
||[Nov. 3rd, 2003|11:10 am]
|||||"What a Good Boy"--Barenaked Ladies||]|
It's Transfer Day at Gavilan today. It's weird to see people who are a year older than me thinking of going to this college next year. I feel so small--I'm two years ahead of them. And next year my friends will be coming to this when they're seniors in high school, and I'll be a college sophomore. Now that is just weird.
And how did I get here? I took a test. One test to replace two years of high school. It doesn't seem right, but I'm glad the option is there. But it just seems too easy.
I always push myself. I was proud of myself for graduating for a week or so, and then I thought, but I don't know how to drive. And, I didn't get 100% on that last test. Why am I like this? Why can't I just be happy with myself? It's so easy for other people to be happy with themselves, so why can't I?
I should be proud of myself--I've come a long way and have a lot of potential to go much further. I've written six big pages of my book. I've come through a deadly illness, and I'm the one who saved my life. I care about the environment and animals. I'm volunteering. I know what I want to do in life. I know who I want to be with in life. And I've been getting along with my family.
So why am I not happy with myself? Why am I always demanding more? I still don't know for sure, but I think it's because I find something wrong with being happy. Other people can be happy, but I can't. And I'm the only one who can change this subconscious philosophy I have invented. I'm still learning how to, but I hope someday I will succeed.