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A two-sided story - See the Amanda, Feel the Shine! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Amanda

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A two-sided story [Nov. 10th, 2003|03:27 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Listening to |Cat Stevens--Teaser and the Firecat]

I came out of the house this morning to find that new grass is growing from the rain. I love this time of year--everything is so vibrant and full of life. We saw a rainbow today too, one that was formed from the mist that was falling. We went to Hollister and saw hawks on the powerlines. There was even a kestrel eating a mouse that was half the litle bird's size.

How can I feel this good about the world and feel so bad about myself? I gained some weight since yesterday and am officially the heaviest I've ever been. I considered eating a bit less, but I know that if I do that I'll just keep wanting to lose more weight. I know me--I'll get back into the old ways again, and who knows if I would come out of it then? Who knows if I would even survive this time? To me, fat is the worst feeling in the world. And yes, it is a feeling, or at least it is to me. And I don't know how to get rid of it. It's making me angry again, angry at myself more than anything, and yet I can find nothing that I have done wrong.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This disease makes life so hard. Just to go from day to day and act healthy is such a big challenge. A challenge that's literally a fight for my life--if I lost, who knows what could happen. I need help. I feel so alone once again, and yet there are people all around me. Offering their help. It makes me mad that I even need help, but I do.
I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I need guidance, I need to know what to do.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: mustardseedcalf
2003-11-11 01:05 am (UTC)
First off, you can't gain weight only in one day. It's water, so it's all in your head!!!
Are you weighing yourself everyday? That can be very triggering. Try not weighing yourself and just go with the flow and how you're feeling. Save it for maybe once a week if you have to, but if you can, only do it at docs offices.
Second, you're 16, right? Remember that you should still be growing, you're still developing, you're not an adult yet. I know how it is, because when I first went into inpatient 1 1/2 yrs ago, my body shape is different than now because things change with age, even in that short amount of time. It's hard, and stupid, and if you're like me you wish that you could be that skinny minnie you were at 6. But we aren't! Bummer, but there is positives. For one, that means you're becoming healthier, you're gonna be able to have babies, etc.
I know exactly how you feel. Keep chuggin though, k?
Love,
Nicole
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-11-11 04:15 pm (UTC)
Nicole,
Thank you so much--I'll try to weigh myself less. That would take a lot of stress out of my life. That's a good idea. I really hope it's just water, like you said.
Very good point--I did grow half an inch not too long ago, so maybe I'm just growing more.
Anyway, thanks for your help. This comment helps me to think a little more rationally, which is something I've been struggling to do lately.
I hope you have a great day,
Amanda
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-11-11 08:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much--finding something to take my mind off this really would help. Maybe later I'll read, or make something, or draw. And I didn't weigh myelf this morning, which seemed to help.
Thank you for offering to listen--me and my mother are looking at sites right now, but if I get lonely later and you're on I'll definitely IM you.
Take care too! I'll talk to you later.
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[User Picture]From: thedarkcrystal
2003-11-12 09:38 am (UTC)
Fat is definitely a feeling.
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-11-12 03:17 pm (UTC)
That's good--it's very hard to describe, so I'm glad I wasn't just imagining it.
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