|Another long and therapeutic entry...
||[Jun. 10th, 2003|06:51 pm]
|||||"Looking for my Life" by George Harrison||]|
I'm depressed, as you can tell from the mood icon. The computer seems to be the only thing that cheers me up--that and, for some reason, planning out my fall classes. I hate getting away from here and actually facing my problems, and I really should start, because I have a lot of them that need to be cleared up before they fester for any longer.
I don't know--when I am happy, life is beautiful, but when I'm not (which is most of the time) life is hell. And not just for me--for my family too. I'm so depressing to be around that they just avoid me. Right now they are in my sister's room and I am here at the computer, where I feel safe...
I need to stop complaining. There are a lot of good things in life--the beauty of nature (or what's left of it), volunteering, spending time with my little brother, the land of Middle-Earth, which to me is just so real, as well as spending time with friends, which I hope to do a lot this summer and even am able to do on Live Journal and e-mail. And Minuet--although she's mean to the other cats and very spoiled--always cheers me up. She's there for me, and I can't say the same about my family right now, although I don't really blame them.
But, in spite of all this, when I think of my life it seems even worse now than when I was fifty pounds underweight. I think I have beaten that problem forever, but there were so many new ones waiting for me when I finally did.
Well, the fact is, I have a wonderful life waiting for me, if I can just walk through the door I keep seeing in my dreams and step into the sunlight. It's high time I got out of the dark.
And please Crystal--I don't think I can stand any more insults from you about my journals. I feel really good about this one.
Sometimes I can feel like that, too. I have my ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder if there's a pattern, but most of the time I notice that there is. If i do well at work and things stay relatively simple at home (no problems with the refinance lately, computer works fine, wife is relatively happy) things are pretty good. Otherwise, I can be withdrawn, sullen and even snippity. The problem with being in that funk is that it seems to try to continue itself with the symptoms, i.e. focusing on negative things, creating tension with people around you, hurting my performance at work. What usually helps me is clearing my mind, thinking of the things that make/made me happy before and most of all, being thankful for what I DO have and what I have accomplished. I mean, sometimes I know I WANT to feel depressed, angry or bitter. It's a way of coping with some things, but overall, I hate it. It's not good, so I've been fighting it alot more (and getting better at it, too, btw). Keep your chin up darlin and go look at some stars when you get the chance. Dream the impossible and make yourself smile. If you have any messenger programs, give me a buzz.
Thank you--your comment really made me feel better.
Yeah, I have noticed that there is a pattern, too, but I'm not sure of all the factors yet. These things all play a part: my mind, my medication, my family, and the world around me. It's kind of hard to explain. And then, once something happens, the nightmare goes on and on, sometimes for days, and both me and my family suffer from it.
My therapist has discussed the fact that I want to be like this with me, and now I agree. I'm just too afraid of being healthy and living my own life to let go. I have been trying to fight, but the problem is that I don't know how--I don't know how to walk through the door. Maybe some day (and I hope it's soon) I will figure it out.
Thank you again--talking about it with someone really helped.
Oh yeah--I'm pretty sure I have a messenger program, but I don't have an account yet.