|This entry is therapy
||[Dec. 18th, 2003|04:02 pm]
|||||Neil Young--Keep on Rockin' in the Free World||]|
I am a very secretive person. I keep secrets even from myself. If someone asked me who I was, I would not be able to tell them. The simple fact is that I don't even know myself. I have never known, and I am just beginning to realize that.
Are all people like this at my age? Or is it just me? Is there some magical way of discovering who I am that is hidden from my view?
Only after I find myself will I be able to help the world. That I know, but the question remains: How do I discover who I really am?
Questions, questions. They make up the world.
I used to think the false self I called "me" was actually myself, but now I'm not so sure. Ever since it turned into the monster that is anorexia I have doubted this, for surely anorexia is not who I am. I think my pretending to be someone else was the beginning of my disease, the place where I started to fall apart. But if so, I've been falling apart all my life. As far back as I could remember, I was that false self. And when I "killed it off", I was no one. Only now is my true self shining through at times, only to hide again when I realize this. It is there one second, the next I am afraid of who I really am, afraid of being human and all the characteristics that make this up.
I am afraid of the fact I am attracted to men, I am afraid of what I look like, I am afraid of the fact that I need food and rest. The only human thing I am not afraid of is sleeping. Sleeping's okay. So why am I afraid of not being myself all the times that my true self is hidden?
Or is it my true self? Perhaps it is another false one, the sign of another impending disease. I just don't know anymore.
I don't want to keep being caught in the web of lies that has been woven in front of my eyes. False selves do that--at the times when they take over, life is one big lie. And that is almost always.
I am looking for answers to questions--important questions about my life. I hope someday to find them.