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Amanda

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This entry is therapy [Dec. 18th, 2003|04:02 pm]
Amanda
[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[Listening to |Neil Young--Keep on Rockin' in the Free World]

I am a very secretive person. I keep secrets even from myself. If someone asked me who I was, I would not be able to tell them. The simple fact is that I don't even know myself. I have never known, and I am just beginning to realize that.
Are all people like this at my age? Or is it just me? Is there some magical way of discovering who I am that is hidden from my view?
Only after I find myself will I be able to help the world. That I know, but the question remains: How do I discover who I really am?

Questions, questions. They make up the world.
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I used to think the false self I called "me" was actually myself, but now I'm not so sure. Ever since it turned into the monster that is anorexia I have doubted this, for surely anorexia is not who I am. I think my pretending to be someone else was the beginning of my disease, the place where I started to fall apart. But if so, I've been falling apart all my life. As far back as I could remember, I was that false self. And when I "killed it off", I was no one. Only now is my true self shining through at times, only to hide again when I realize this. It is there one second, the next I am afraid of who I really am, afraid of being human and all the characteristics that make this up.
I am afraid of the fact I am attracted to men, I am afraid of what I look like, I am afraid of the fact that I need food and rest. The only human thing I am not afraid of is sleeping. Sleeping's okay. So why am I afraid of not being myself all the times that my true self is hidden?
Or is it my true self? Perhaps it is another false one, the sign of another impending disease. I just don't know anymore.
I don't want to keep being caught in the web of lies that has been woven in front of my eyes. False selves do that--at the times when they take over, life is one big lie. And that is almost always.
I am looking for answers to questions--important questions about my life. I hope someday to find them.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: brithla
2003-12-19 12:48 am (UTC)
Are all people like this at my age?

I think it's very common. I know I went through it.

I am looking for answers to questions--important questions about my life. I hope someday to find them.

You will. :) I'm still looking! Some people go through there whole lives wondering. Ai, that would be awful!
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-12-19 09:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you--it's good to know that I'm not alone. I hope we both find the answers soon :)
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From: turkeysock
2003-12-19 01:00 am (UTC)
:x i think everyone is afraid of themselves at one point or another. i watch tv shows that say, you have to find yourself before you can let others in? bla. i hope you figure out whatever is causing you problems :)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-12-19 09:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you--I think you're very right about that. I really hope I figure all this out too.
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[User Picture]From: atopazdragon
2003-12-19 01:50 am (UTC)
I know exactly how you feel, but I don't have any answers, either. Suffice it to say that you are not alone in these feelings. *hug*
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-12-19 09:15 pm (UTC)
Thank you--I'm glad I'm not alone.
*hugs back*
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From: treepatter
2003-12-20 06:12 am (UTC)
In answer to your question, "who am i?", i offer the following:

I think 2 good starting points would be
1-think about the things you believe in, the way in which you think life should be lived, what's right and wrong, etc. This should give you a few clues as to who you are.
2-observe your relationships with people, animals, the planet everything. Watch how you treat certain people differently than others- why is that? Observe how you react to certain situations or types of people- all this can also tell you a lot about who you are.
Good luck.
peace
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-12-20 03:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you--I think you're right, that thinking about these things will help answer this question. I'll try to apply these to my life, and I'm sure they will help.
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[User Picture]From: doggbreath
2003-12-20 10:14 pm (UTC)

Yes

I think everybody goes through something like this at your age. I did too, and so did eveyone I know. Imean the questioning, the doubts, the confusion, the feeling of not knowing who you really are. It's something that you discover as your life rolls on, like any journey. I don't think anybody knows their true self at 16. The important thing, I think, is to keep asking the questions, and seeking honest answers. Then you're sure to discover what's there for you to know. :-)
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[User Picture]From: minuetcat
2003-12-21 04:38 am (UTC)

Re: Yes

Thank you--I'm glad I'm not alone. I'll try to keep asking questions :)
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